


be right-right where you step

by thisstableground



Series: less than ninety degrees [3]
Category: Do No Harm (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lowkey autistic Usnavi, Multi, Oblivious Bisexual Usnavi De La Vega, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:30:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10820910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstableground/pseuds/thisstableground
Summary: Usnavi's got a new friend, and a crush.[aka all the lead-up fromyour body is a triangle, from Usnavi's POV][January 2017 - July 2017]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [a/n: deleted and reposted because the HTML went all messy on the last one. i wrote the last little section of this as a mini tumblr fic last week but someone commented saying they'd like to see more of Usnavi figuring out he likes dudes as well, and i never want to stop writing this verse so here we are. there's a lot of references to stuff i've already wrote in this verse so might make more sense to go back there first if you've not already read it, though it's relatively standalone.
> 
> title from rhythm of devotion by sisyphus
> 
> usual Ruben PTSD content warnings apply, a pretty bad flashback and some talk about past abuse/violence in this chapter, though probably subsequent chapters will be more on the fluff side.]

Usnavi decides almost immediately that he wants Ruben to be his friend, that first morning when he gives the guy a free coffee and a rundown of the need-to-knows about the local area as an apology for inadvertently scaring the shit out of him. Usnavi can just tell he’s going to like him. And since they’re absolutely going to be good friends, the first thing Usnavi does when he closes up shop that day is google how to help someone having a panic attack, because he doesn’t want to be caught unprepared again.  
  
It seems like maybe it’s just a one time thing, though. He doesn't usually see Ruben for long, and almost always only right after opening when things are quiet, but the next several weeks pass with increasingly frequent early-morning bodega visits and that glowing thrill of a slowly growing friendship which Usnavi is as addicted to as he is caffeine, and nobody freaks out about anything apart from Benny who nearly has an aneurysm from laughing too hard when he first sees Usnavi and Ruben together and tells them they look almost exactly the same.   
  
“Is that racist?” asks Ruben at the same time Usnavi says “that’s so fucking racist" and Benny just laughs harder.  
  
Anyway, Usnavi’s almost forgotten that he even looked the whole thing up until noontime on a mid-March Saturday.

The weather’s been warm and fresh for the past couple of weeks now, winter chill bleeding out into cool springtime, but today’s one of those days thats a preview of the summer to come. The air feels lazy and heavy, and the sidewalks give off a slight heat haze that shimmers into the store around Ruben’s feet when he walks in. 

“Hey man,” says Usnavi. “Don’t often see you round at this time.”

“Ran out of food,” says Ruben, shortly. He doesn’t look too great today, shadowed around the eyes and hair literally sticking up on end like he stuck his fingers in a socket just before he left the house.  
  
“Aite then,” says Usnavi, and leaves it at that, since Ruben doesn’t seem much in the mood for chatter. He’s kinda tired himself: it's not hot like summer is hot, but his system hadn’t been prepared for the unseasonable warmth of the day. Ruben heads off down one of the aisles and Usnavi fiddles idly with the dial on his busted old radio, trying to find a station playing music. Some slow jazz tune crackles out of the tinny speakers.

Sonny comes out of the storeroom with a box full of stock replenishment for the cereal shelf, making lazy kickdrum beatbox sounds to the rhythm of the song. Usnavi rests his head against the cool countertop, wondering how the seasons manage to surprise him every single year.

He hears Sonny on the other side of the shelves say something low that he can’t be bothered to process, but he’s pulled out of the sleepy stupor settled over him when Sonny raises his voice and calls “ _Usnavi?!_ " in an urgent tone.

In the other aisle, Ruben is standing in front of one of the drinks fridges, tightening his hands into fists in compulsive little movements and breathing heavily. There’s no response at all to Usnavi saying his name, but when Sonny takes a small step closer Ruben doesn’t flinch away so much as go solidified like a block of ice all over.

“Please,” he says quietly, with his eyes closed, and he sounds defeated. “I won’t come back, I’ll stay away, you don’t- you don’t have to—”

“Usnavi,” whispers Sonny, “what’s up with him?”

“Panic attack, I think.” Now that he actually needs the information, Usnavi can’t remember what he read. Come on, come on. Okay. If Ruben’s having some kind of flashback, Usnavi needs to try and ground him in reality. His first instinct is to hug him but that seems like a monumentally bad idea.

“Ruben, do you know where you are?” he asks instead, speaking slow and clear.

Ruben looks in his direction, brow furrowed, but his gaze is miles away.

“This isn’t Jamaica,” he says, confused. “This isn’t Philly?”

“No. You’re in Washington Heights, in the bodega with me and Sonny.”

“Usnavi? What are doing you here?”  
  
It isn’t at all like the instinctive panic Ruben had on the street when Usnavi startled him, sudden and quick to pass on by. It’s slow and creeping visibly higher like tides. A customer comes in at the front, the bell sounding, and Ruben’s starting to look wild around the eyes. He grabs at Usnavi’s arm, agitated.

“You can’t be here, Usnavi, it’s not safe, he’s bigger than you—”

“It’s okay,” Usnavi consoles him, making use of Ruben’s tight grip to gently pull him towards the back stairs. This doesn’t need to happen out in public. Ruben follows without question. “It’s okay, we’ll go somewhere he can’t find us.”

“I got the store,” says Sonny quietly, and Usnavi nods thanks.

He’s expecting Ruben to completely lose his shit at any moment, but they make it all the way to the kitchen. Usnavi puts a glass of water on the table while Ruben sits watching some unseen event unfold around him, eyes flickering and his whole body vibrating.

His phone buzzes.  
  
**sonny:  
** \- is he ok 

Usnavi taps out  _no_ in response then shoves the phone into his pocket. He asks again, “do you know where you are?”

“Jamaica?” Ruben murmurs uncertainly, rubbing a thumb through a water droplet on the side of the glass.

“You’re in my apartment,” says Usnavi. His phone goes off again; he ignores it.

“The warehouse,” Ruben says, hysteria rising in his voice like floodwater.

“You’re in Washington Heights,” says Usnavi, doing his best to keep his voice calm even though it wants to rise alongside Ruben’s like a boat on the swell of a wave. He wants to help, he doesn’t know what to  _do_.

“Please, don’t kill me, I didn't tell Jason anything,” Ruben pleads.

“You’re safe,” says Usnavi, and it comes out like he’s pleading too.

Ruben shields his head with his fingers interlaced over the back of his neck and leans all the way forwards like bracing for an impact, forehead against the table. “Please just let me die,” he whispers.

“You’re safe,” says Usnavi, and he’s trying so hard not to cry. “I got you, I’m here, you’re safe.”  
  
***

Ruben keens, rocks, begs alternately for his life and for death. Usnavi does the only thing he knows how to and keeps talking, forcing words out through a tight pain in his chest that it’s only Usnavi here and that he won’t let anything bad happen to Ruben in this apartment, not ever.

He doesn’t know if it helps any or if Ruben would've weathered it out in the same amount of time regardless. Either way, eventually Ruben sits straight, blinking and rubbing his eyes like he’s just woken up from a nightmare. Usnavi checks his texts just to stop himself from staring worriedly while Ruben sips his water.

**sonny:  
** \- yeah i figured but is it like kinda freaking out not ok, or like needs professional intervention not ok  
\- whats happening, do u need anything  
\- ???  
\- usnavi  
\- if u dont answer in the next 5 mins im closing up shop and coming to check on u

 **usnavi:  
** \- sry we just needed a moment  
\- we’re fine stay down there  
\- youre not gettin out of work that easy

“It was the music,” Ruben says. “I didn’t sleep well, and the heat, and then the song. Forgot where I was for a minute.”

“I’m glad you’ve come back to us now,” says Usnavi, though Ruben still sounds far away.

“There was a tape playing, when he drove us to the warehouse. Don’t even know if it was the same song. But it sounded close enough, and I was too hot.” Ruben laughs ruefully. “S’what I get for wearing sweaters in the springtime, I guess. Still nowhere near as hot as Jamaica.”

“Uh-huh,” says Usnavi. He’s not sure what they’re talking about. His phone goes off again.

**sonny:  
** \- ughh fine. tell ruben i hope he feels better

“Sonny told me to say he hopes you’re doing alright,” says Usnavi, putting his phone away again, and Ruben seems to remember where he is and what’s been going on.

“Fuck, is he at the store alone? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a  _thing_  of it.”

“Sonny’s managed the store by himself a million times, don't worry about it. We’re just worried about  _you_.”

“Don’t be,” says Ruben. “Really. It doesn’t get that bad very often any more. I went to therapy, I’ve been doing so much better.” He scowls. “I’ve been doing  _better_. Especially since I got out of Philadelphia. I thought maybe it was over. I’m happy here. There’s no reason for it to still happen.”

“You don’t need a reason,” says Usnavi. “Some days are just bad days.”

He’s never had a panic attack himself but sometimes, not very often, he wakes up and feels like the first days back from the hospital when he was seventeen and suddenly all alone, a day where he aches and aches for his family and no amount of coffee can combat the tiredness. He’s never been any good at talking about it even to Vanessa and it happens completely at random. 

It always passes. Usnavi considers himself a pretty damn happy guy, but some days are just bad days.  
  
“I wanted to start over,” Ruben says, frustrated. “I don't want this to be who I am.”

“It doesn’t have to be  _all_  you are. Look…you don’t have to tell me anything, but I like you, man. I’d like to think we’re friends now. You can talk to me. Whatever happened to you isn’t gonna change how I think about you. ”  
  
Ruben’s face moves through expressions too fast to read, ending with a sudden welling of tears. He wipes his eyes harshly on his sleeve as if he’s mad at himself for crying, then he does a weird, breathy laugh and holds his hand out to shake Usnavi’s. Usnavi takes it, confused.  
  
“Hi,” says Ruben. “ _Doctor_  Ruben Marcado. PhD.”

***

So Usnavi might’ve lied a little because two things do change, now that Ruben’s told him everything. Or, well, maybe not everything, there were some parts that got skimmed past with a terrifying kind of casualness, like  _he wrote on the wall in my blood_  isn't a goddamn horror movie in and of itself. There’s probably a lot more to unpack but Usnavi hadn’t wanted to ask: they were exhausted once Ruben had finished even the abridged version, both of them tear-stained and Ruben was shaking. _I don’t like being touched_ , he’d said at the start, but by the end he’d reached out with both arms across the table between them and they had sat in tired silence with their hands clasped together. 

These are the two things that change:

One, Usnavi is not particularly familiar with the sensation but he thinks he truly, legitimately hates Ian. Or is it Jason? Does he technically hate two people? Honestly, he’s still kind of confused about who did what and how any of this even works, but he knows that one of them took advantage of Ruben and one of them apparently  _tortured_ him. So it seems like Usnavi’s probably fine to just hate them collectively, and he really fucking does.

Two: he’ll never tell Ruben this, and he’s honored at being trusted with this knowledge, but Jesus, it’s killing him that he can’t talk about this with anyone. Ruben said he could give the gist of things to Sonny, felt like he owed him that much of an explanation, but even if he’d been given permission to share details Usnavi doesn’t much want to talk it over with a seventeen year old. Sonny’s mature but it would just feel wrong, considering how much it’s fucking Usnavi up. He’ll be at work and suddenly an image of Ruben dumped outside some hospital all cut up will flash into his head, or Ruben saying  _I_   _didn’t want to but he didn’t listen_  and it makes him want to cry or throw up or track Ian down so he can punch him, though Ruben said Ian doesn't exist any more. He’s got no problem punching Jason, if that’s his only option.

One thing does not change: Usnavi is pretty sure Ruben is incredible. He already suspected it, and now he’s absolutely certain, because if it’s messing Usnavi up this much to  _hear_  about it he can’t imagine living through it and still getting out of bed every day. 

Well, if he can’t get any talk time about all the bad shit that’s now lodged deep in his brain, he can at least drown it out. It’s not exactly difficult: every time he wants to blurt out something about it, he just reroutes to talk about how awesome Ruben is instead, whether to the guy himself or to someone else. Which, actually, Usnavi’s been doing since the start anyway.

It’s the exact opposite of chill, he knows, but Usnavi’s just never been good at keeping things to himself. If he likes something he wants everyone else to like it too, he wants everyone to share in how good it makes him feel. That goes double for people. Not that he's immune to jealousy: he remembers with a cringe trying to hit on Yolanda when he and Vanessa went to the club that first time, though he blames the shots at least a  _little_  bit for that - but that’s different. That’s when he thought Vanessa might want someone else instead of him. It’s not like Ruben’s going to ditch his friendship once he meets the rest of the barrio, and Usnavi might not be happy with _instead of_ but he’s all about _as well as_.

It seems to be doing some good, too, because Ruben’s looking sunnier, he’s coming to the store more often when there are people around, and he's talking more. He even brings Usnavi coffee at lunch sometimes because he says Usnavi shouldn't have to work during his breaks.  
  
Whether it’s because Usnavi’s been talking him up non-stop or - as Usnavi suspects - just because Ruben’s a really likeable guy if only he lets himself just  _be_  with folk, everyone takes pretty well to him.

(“Oh my  _god_ , he’s like an adorable version of Usnavi,” coos Carla when she meets him.  
  
“ _I’m_  adorable, Carla!” Usnavi squawks indignantly, while Ruben blushes.  
  
“You’re far too noisy to be adorable,” says Dani. “Keep this one around, though, I like him.”

She winks.

“Dios mío,” says Usnavi, looking despairingly up at the sky. Ruben hides his face behind both of his hands, laughing, and yes, okay, it’s kind of cute. Ruben should laugh more often. Usnavi instantly makes it his mission to get that to happen.)

But even though he’s clearly trying, and everyone's being so good, it's obvious Ruben's not used to the fast-flowing conversation style that defines the barrio, and Usnavi wonders if that's because of everything or if he's always been kind of shy. Usnavi notices how stressed Ruben looks when he struggles to find a response to some impassioned speech Sonny’s making about politics, his uneasy shrug when Benny asks what music he’s into and Ruben replies that he only really listens to the same couple of things on repeat. Usnavi notices that Ruben’s fingers tap restlessly like he’s holding a thousand things back sometimes, that other times he looks as if he’s got no words in his head at all.

Usnavi notices that Ruben always angles towards him in a conversation, that he’ll stand just a little closer to Usnavi than to anyone else, like he only trusts him in his space.

“You notice a  _lot_  of things about Ruben,” Vanessa says one day, when he’s relaying whatever level of information he feels is okay to reveal.

“I’m a very observant guy.”

“I’m gonna come round to the store and hang out tomorrow,” she says decisively. “I wanna meet your boy.”

Usnavi’s pulse goes all fast and skittering, for some reason.

***

It does it again the next day when Vanessa comes in but more like nerves this time. There’s just a fraction more of a bite than usual to her voice as she makes a comment  _about_  Ruben rather than to him, something sort of close to a challenge. Ruben goes tense like he’s sensed it too. There’s a deeply weird moment where Usnavi feels like a princess with two knights duelling for his affections.

“I’m starting to think there’s some kind of mass-produced Usnavi factory back in DR you never told me about,” she says, giving Ruben the once-over in that devastating, revealing way only she can pull off. “That’s the kinda thing a girl wants to know about her man.”

Ruben tugs his sleeves down, a nervous tic of his that makes a too much sense with the backstory attached, but he meets her eye easily. Usnavi gets an unaccountable burst of pride in his chest.

“I’m not even from DR,” Ruben says. “I’m Puerto Rican. And my name is Ruben.”

“Vanessa, be nice,” Usnavi warns, because he’s  _told_  her that Ruben is shy, which barely even begins to cover the truth, and he wants so badly for them to like each other. He hadn’t really taken into account that both of them are always kind of on the defensive. It’s not a side they tend to show much around him and sometimes it’s hard to remember that somehow Usnavi’s become an exception.

Vanessa had clearly been about to say something else but stands down at his look, apologising and greeting Ruben properly with her most winning smile. It is  _very_  winning, in Usnavi’s humble opinion, and since the conversation from there flows without any friction, maybe Ruben thinks so too.

***

“So,” says Vanessa once they’re alone in Usnavi’s apartment. “That was Ruben, huh?”

She kicks off her shoes and throws herself down on the couch, long bare legs stretched out across the cushions.

“Yeah!” says Usnavi, beaming. It went so  _well_ , after that rough start. He shifts her legs to make room; she settles them back over his lap once he’s sitting. “He’s so awesome, right? I knew you two would get along. Once he started like, actually going outside and talking to people and all.”

“He seemed very sweet,” she says. “I’m still hung up on how I’ve been hearing about him non-stop for like a month and yet you never even once thought to tell me he’s Usnavi two-point-oh.”

“Why do people keep  _saying_  that?” asks Usnavi rhetorically, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “We don’t look the same at all. Okay, maybe the eyes. But he’s got longer hair and a softer face. And he smiles different, and he stands different. And I’m kinda scrawny but he’s got…I dunno.  _Curves_.”

“Wow,” says Vanessa, eyebrows raised. “You ever actually talk to the guy when I’m not there, or do you just spend the whole day drooling over his soft face and his curves?”

“Aw, come on. I mean, I guess if I were into guys then yeah, I’d say he was cute. But you know I just like paying attention to people, and Ruben is…he’s an interesting dude. So there’s a lot to pay attention to. He’s super fucking smart, like, actual genius level of smart, I ever tell you that?”

“At least twice a day since the first time you met him, yeah,” she says. He can tell she’s finding this inexplicably hilarious, which he doesn’t understand, and he can’t fully clarify the situation to her, which doesn’t stop him from trying.

“He’s a nice guy, he’s really nice, and he makes me laugh, and he’s had a lot of shit to deal with so I just…I like when I can make him happy, which means I gotta watch him and know a lot about him to figure out the best way how.”

“Dios _mío_ , Usnavi.”

Usnavi feels his face heat up. “Shut up, Vanessa, it’s not like that!”

“Isn’t it? Tell me,” she says, propping herself up on her elbows with a knowing smirk, “does he pay for his coffee?”

Usnavi opens his mouth to retort and then stays that way, staring at nothing.

Vanessa lets her head drop back on the arm of couch and punches up towards the ceiling, triumphant. “I fucking knew it!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a/n: usnavi figuring out this bisexual thing. explicit tag applies to this chapter so maybe dont read this one aloud to your grandparents.
> 
> trying to keep track of the places where dialogue crosses over with the different POV versions i've written in other installments is a nightmare tbh]

Usnavi’s stuck in a stutter loop while Vanessa proclaims her victory, because she’s right, she can’t be right, she’s wrong, she’s _right_. Her arms are around him while he tries to stammer out a denial.  
  
“Babe, it’s okay. I don’t mind that you like dudes too. I’ve kind of suspected for a while.”

Really? Has she? Because this is all news to Usnavi, and he really thinks he should’ve been the first to know. And there’s more important issues than his sexuality at stake, anyway. “No, no, that’s not -  well, that part is kind of a huge fucking shock, yeah, but I mean that I can’t, it’s… but I love _you._ ”

“Oh, Usnavi, I know _that_ ,” she says, confident as ever. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”

“How?” he asks, voice climbing hysterically. “How can we possibly figure any of this out? I’m so into you, how can I be into someone else? I like guys? _Do_ I like guys? Have I legit been into guys without even realising it this whole time‽”  
  
“Usnavi-“  
  
“Or is it just a Ruben thing? I think that’s worse, is that worse? Do I like him in a, y’know, _let’s do the do_ way or in a romantic way or is it just a really big confusing bro-crush but all I actually want is to like, hang out with him shooting some hoops and fistbumping? I kinda wish I hadn't said the word fist. Help me, Vanessa, I _can’t stop talking_!”  
  
He’s almost yelling. Why is he _like_ this?

 _“Usnavi,”_ Vanessa says, firmly, letting go of the hug so she can sit across from him with her hands on his shoulders instead. She’s obviously trying to fight down a smile. “It’s gonna be okay. I got you.”  
  
“Okay,” he says, and breathes deeply. Some of the mania dies down. Vanessa’s on the case, he’ll be fine. “It’s all cool. Todo bien. Sorry.”  
  
“Let’s take this one step at a time.”

“Right.”

“Firstly, I met the guy for like a quarter of an hour and I can already tell you that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what a fistbump is or how to play basketball. So if that’s your dream life with him, you might be disappointed. As for the bro-crush…well, do you like him in a different way than you like, say, Benny?”

“I…don't know. I mean, they’re both great! And I like hanging with both of them, and I want both of them to be happy. Which is a lot harder for Ruben, but I’m pretty good at making him happy, I think. And it just feels so _good_ when I make him laugh that I wanna keep doing it all the time?”  
  
Usnavi folds his legs up under him on the couch and takes his hat off so he can scrub a hand through his hair. “Plus he needs someone to care about him. I mean, not that he can’t look after himself, after Ja- after, uhm, some stuff he’s told me about, he’s obviously pretty tough. But I still think he should have someone to make sure he’s okay, and to tell him all the awesome things about himself and I can do that for him. And-“  
  
“Alright, alright, I get it, so you wanna wrap him in rainbows and tell him he’s pretty,” Vanessa says, rolling her eyes. “Dude looks like he needs it, to be honest. Still, that really doesn’t sound to me like the way you talk about your other guy friends. What do you think?”  
  
“No,” agrees Usnavi, kind of shaky. “No, I think you’re right.”

“ _Yeah_ , I’m right,” she says, like he shouldn’t ever have doubted. ”Next question: is it sexual? I mean, that seems kinda straightforward, you either wanna bone down with someone or you don’t, yeah?”  
  
Of course it’s that straightforward to Vanessa. Maybe it even would be to Usnavi, if it were about anyone else. But they’re talking about Ruben, who doesn’t like being touched, who’s been looking more uncomfortable and flushed as the weeks pass and the weather gets warmer because he won’t wear a short sleeved shirt, and Usnavi doesn’t know whether it’s just because he doesn’t want people to stare or because _Ian- he made me- he took my clothes, when he did it. I guess he really wanted me to know I couldn’t hide from him._

No, Usnavi doesn’t want to think about that. He really, really doesn’t want to think about that, and he can’t exactly explain it to Vanessa either so he just shakes his head. “I can’t- I don’t know, Vanessa, I really don’t know, I’m sorry.”  
  
“That’s fine,” she says. “You wanna talk about what we do with this?”  
  
“We, um, we could…” he collapses in on himself a little. It’s been a weird fucking day. “Can we just get dinner and not think about it for a bit? My brain is six different kinds of fried right now.”  
  
“Sure,” she says easily, and then catches him in a tight embrace as the two of them stand, one hand stroking the back of his head. “We’re seriously okay, though, Usnavi. Like I said, I’ve known for a while, I’ve had time to get used to it. I love you. We’re good.”  
  
“I love you too,” he says, overwhelmed, sinking into her touch. “I love you so much.”

***

The subject gets dropped for almost two whole weeks, and thank God because that gives Usnavi space to let it filter in slowly, in manageable fragments. Or mostly manageable, though there’s a lot of moments when both Vanessa and Ruben are standing chatting in the bodega, apparently getting on like a house on fire: they’ve started playing a game where Ruben tries to guess the backstories of people he doesn’t know as they pass by the bodega window, always creative and vaguely offensive, and then Vanessa provides the real gossip on their lives which is usually just as wild. Sometimes neither of them know the person or Vanessa's not had time to catch up on the latest barrio business, and they both turn to Usnavi as one so that he can fill in the gaps, at which point something always short-circuits in Usnavi’s brain while he tries to wrap his head around the fact that turns out he’s into _all_ of what's in front of him right now.

It’s not like it's an upsetting revelation that he’s bi, despite how much it’s knocked him sideways: Usnavi’s never seen much of a big deal about people being gay or whatever, always been broadly in support of gay marriage and all that, but also he’s never really had to think about it at all one way or another. He’s just always been so tongue-tied stupid into girls that it didn’t occur to him to think any deeper about his own sexuality.  
  
The way it’s coming to him now is in a series of a thousand little _oh, I_ ** _see_** moments from his life, especially when Vanessa makes knowing faces at him when Ruben can’t see her. He keeps thinking of guys from the past he was a little too excited to hang out with or to sit near, of half-remembered fantasies he always wrote off as adolescent overimagination - he definitely got turned on over all kinds of stuff that shouldn’t have been hot in _any_ way back then, so  _straight dude getting hard over another boy_ seemed pretty unremarkable in comparison. Most of this he takes in his stride, though he does get a violent spine-chill of horrified embarrassment at the sudden memory of when he was fifteen and borrowed a sweater off Benny that he wore with a strange feeling in his chest every day for like a week, which just now started to make some kind of sense. Definitely chalk _that_ one up to the teenage hormones and never, ever mention it to anyone.  
  
Even in these small doses there’s a whole lot going on in Usnavi’s brain right now, and things up there are scattershot at the best of times. His occasional spacing out while he clicks new puzzle pieces into place isn’t going unnoticed, if the way Ruben's approaching him with an anxious determination is anything to go by.  
  
“‘Sup, Ruben?” he asks, playing casual as he pours the coffee.  
  
Ruben picks at a thread on his sleeve but he’s looking Usnavi right in the eye. “You know you can talk to me, right? About, like, stuff?”  
  
Usnavi can feel himself melt a little bit at how sweetly concerned Ruben sounds. He’s starting to think maybe he has it bad. “I know that.”  
  
“I mean it,” Ruben insists. “You’ve. I mean. I’m not. The friends thing? It’s not my, but you’ve, um,- and you seem kinda distracted recently, if there’s _anything_ that’s bothering you…because, you’ve done a lot, you’ve been really, you know?“

Holy shit, turns out there’s someone out there even worse at this than Vanessa. Usnavi takes pity on him. “I know _,_ dude. And nothing’s bothering me, I’m just figuring a couple things out right now. Nothing bad,” he clarifies, because Ruben’s whole face just crinkled up worriedly. “Just, y’know, general spring cleaning up at headquarters.”

He taps his forehead, knocking his cap askew in the process. “But seriously, thanks. I really do appreciate it.”  
  
“Cool,” says Ruben, looking relieved. “Cool, cool, awesome. Okay. But just, keep it in mind.”  
  
“I will,” he says.  
  
Ruben sort of dances his hands about awkwardly in the air for a moment before patting Usnavi on the shoulder, lightning-fast, then he grabs his drink and leaves without saying another word.

Usnavi’s grinning so much his face hurts. Oh, god, he really does have it so, so bad.

***

He sees Ruben the next day and aggressively Does Not Think About It, except that means he forgets himself completely and hip-bumps Ruben, who gets this blossoming look of delighted surprise like the actual sun rising on his face as he tells Usnavi that it didn’t bother him. Then Ruben pokes him in the side, right where he’s most ticklish, looking mischievously thrilled when Usnavi makes an involuntary high-pitched noise. It’s barely anything, it’s three light, fleeting touches over two days, but now he’s lying in bed alone and the idea of touching Ruben is a weight that his mind can’t get out from under.  
  
It’s been a while since he properly pondered his flurry of panicked questions from that conversation with Vanessa. Now he's finding that one in particular looks ready to be explored. The problem is that, like when he and Vanessa discussed it, when he tentatively tries to picture anything his mind shies away from the idea of Ruben naked, simultaneously trying to imagine and trying really hard _not_ to imagine whatever that bastard did to him. Usnavi doesn’t have any idea how bad the scars might be, and anyway it feels kind of like a violation to picture him without the sweater, somehow.

So Usnavi thinks instead about what it might feel like just to kiss Ruben, whether it would be different to kissing Vanessa. He imagines that Ruben is probably shy where Vanessa is self-assured, that Usnavi would have to take charge a little, but he’d be careful about it. Ruben said he felt safe with Usnavi and he wouldn’t do anything to ruin that. Usnavi would make sure he was comfortable, he’d give him everything he seems to have been denied for all this time. It always feels amazing when he manages to make Ruben laugh: how good would it feel to make Ruben gasp, how good would it feel to press one knee in between Ruben’s legs and feel him buck up against him?

It’s almost in a trance that Usnavi slides off his boxers and starts stroking himself, a twisting creeping excitement  through his veins. He doesn’t think about Ruben naked: he thinksinstead about the bitter-salt tang in his mouth whenever he kisses Vanessa after she’s been down on him and wonders if Ruben would taste the same. He thinks about Ruben’s face, looking up at him with that sunrise expression while Usnavi pushes inside of him. He wonders whether he could make Ruben say his name, if he’d tell Usnavi how much he wanted this in a cracked and needy voice.

“Ruben,” he moans, and it only slipped out by accident but it feels so fucking good that he says it again - “fuck, _Ruben_ , fuck” - and when he comes hard and loud it’s Ruben’s name on Usnavi's lips, it’s Ruben’s hands and mouth and body Usnavi’s imagining against his own.  


Well. 

That probably answers the _is it sexual_ question.

It’s not until he’s grabbing some tissues to wipe the mess off his chest that Usnavi thinks _Vanessa_ and the guilt starts to pool inside him in shameful, heated waves like lava. It plagues him right up til he falls asleep.

***

He doesn’t remember what he was dreaming about but Usnavi wakes up hard, lying on his stomach and trying to push his hips down further into the mattress. And he’s fairly sure he wasn’t dreaming of Vanessa. 

_This is pretty bad_. Even as he thinks it he’s still rocking into the bed. It’s like being a teenager again, no control over his stupid, insistent dick, the addictive mixture of pleasure and _oh, god, this is definitely wrong, this is definitely Not Allowed_. He forces himself to stop, to stand up: he needs to clear his head. 

It’s Sunday and Sonny’s on the early shift this week, so at least Usnavi doesn't have to think about opening the store right now. He’s too worried about where his mind might wander to deal with the morning wood issue the fun way, and settles for a long, cool shower while he tries to figure out how to process this new development. Obviously he can’t talk to Ruben about it, and he _should_ talk to Vanessa but he really doesn’t want to. He placates himself by saying he’ll tell her when she’s round tonight.

Alright. So Usnavi might not be able to tell anyone about _this_ specific problem - he glares down at his dick - but he can at least talk to someone about something. Once he’s relatively calmed down under the cold water, he dries off, throws on the clothes he left on his floor last night and grabs his phone to text Benny.

***

Benny lets him in and they sit in his front room, Benny sprawled into an armchair and Usnavi sat right on the edge of the sofa, trying to seem chill and definitely failing at it.  
  
“So what’s up, you said you had something to tell me?”  
  
“Yes,” says Usnavi.  
  
Benny waits for a moment. Then another one. “Good talk, dude.”  
  
Usnavi goes to say something and just makes a _sound_. This is so much harder than he thought it would be. Benny’s starting to look kind of freaked out.  
  
“Usnavi, is somethi-“  
  
“I’m bisexual!” Usnavi pretty much yells and then hides his face behind one arm, startled by the volume of his own voice. He gets his shit together a second later, feeling stupid. “Um. That’s what I wanted to…I’m bisexual.”  
  
At Benny’s blank face he starts to explain, “it means I’m into guys and-“ and Benny raises his hand.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I know what it means,” he says. “…huh. Does Vanessa know?”  
  
“She’s the one who figured it out, actually.”  
  
“Huh,” says Benny again, and that’s all.  
  
They’re caught in a really long silence and Usnavi doesn’t know how to fill it: he’s suddenly realising that he’s never really talked to any of his barrio family about their general feelings on sexuality, for much the same reason he’s never thought too hard about his own specific sexuality, so he hadn’t even considered the possibility that they wouldn’t be okay with it. He really hadn’t considered the possibility that _Benny_ might not be okay with it, and he’s starting to get nauseous when Benny finally smiles at him and says, “thanks for telling me, man. Really. That must be a pretty scary thing to put out there, I’m really glad you did.”

“Scarier when you take six goddamn years to say anything other than ‘huh’, Benny, _Jesus_ ,” says Usnavi, but there’s relief all through his body. They stand up at the same time and Benny hugs him fiercely. “Thought you weren’t gonna be cool for a second there.”

“Naw, you’re always gonna be my favorite bro, no matter what,” says Benny, letting him go with a final pat on the back then flipping the brim of Usnavi’s cap so it falls to the floor. “And you know I’ve always been cool with letting people do the love thing their own way. Sorry if I scared you, I just wasn’t expecting it. Though now that I think of it, maybe I should’ve done.”

“What do you mean?” Usnavi asks, bending to pick up his hat.

“It’s just,” Benny shrugs, “I mean, you do talk about Ruben a hell of a lot.”

“Son of a _bitch,”_ says Usnavi, dropping his hat again.

***

Chilling with Benny kept his mind off things for a while, and then he worked the afternoon shift, but Usnavi knows he’ll have to mention his Ruben fantasy to Vanessa at some point. She’s making things so much worse right now, teasing him about spending the day with Benny as they prepare ingredients for dinner.  


“- I mean, I know you two go way back but what would your boy Ruben think if he saw you out with another man?”

“Vanessa,” he says, frowning. She’s only teasing, but it’s just reminding him that he basically mentally cheated on her yesterday and oh, oh _god_ , he’s a bad boyfriend. He rests his elbows on the kitchen countertop and hides his face in his hands despairingly.  
  
“Don’t do that when you’ve been cutting up raw chicken, man, I’m not kissing your salmonella face.” She loops both arms around his waist from behind and sways their bodies slightly. “What’s wrong, baby?”

He should tell her, he should tell her, he’s…not gonna tell her. “It’s just…there’s been a lot to process recently, y’know?” He pauses. “I, uh, came out, I guess, today. To Benny.”

“Yeah?” she says, warily. “And how’d he take it?”

“Okay, I think? Good, he was good,” he says more decisively when he can practically feel her getting ready to go fistfight Benny at the implication his reaction was anything less supportive than throwing an impromptu Pride parade. “Surprised, mostly.”

“Well, at least its good to know that not everyone in the barrio knows about your crush, right?”  
  
Usnavi winces. “Actually, he _did_  say that now I've said it, he's noticed I talk about Ruben way more than is strictly heterosexual. Shut up, stop laughing!”  
  
“Sorry,” Vanessa says, not sounding sorry at all. She kisses him between the shoulderblades. “You want me to stay over tonight?”

It’s pretty rare for Vanessa to stay much longer than dinner on the days she starts work first thing the next morning, because it means she has to get up at the same time as Usnavi so she can catch the train to the magazine offices. The offer is clearly meant as both an apology for the teasing and as a comfort for his weariness: he doesn't have the willpower to say no.

Later, when they’re lying in the dark, Vanessa says “good job on telling Benny. M’proud of you,” rushed and muffled the way she always says things she really means, uncomfortable in sincerity. Usnavi rolls over to hold her, grateful and exhausted and sad. She trails her fingers back and forth along the waistband of his pants questioningly but he catches her hand and brings her knuckles to his lips instead.

“Can we just cuddle tonight?” he asks. It’s late. They’re both too tired for the conversation and he just wouldn’t feel right doing anything with her before they talk it over.

“Of course, babe,” she says, drowsily delighted at his apparent sweetness, and he feels like a total shithead when she snuggles against him. She deserves so much better.

***

They’re both awake in the early hours, sitting on the sofa sipping coffee before Vanessa has to get the train. Usnavi, still just in pajama pants, is as always far more awake than Vanessa, who despite being showered and dressed and perfectly put together looks like she might not be conscious yet. He’s having a dilemma: he really doesn’t want to go a whole ‘nother day feeling bad and secretive about the whole thing. But it’s early and she’s tired and there’s not enough time to talk about it before she has to leave. It’s really not the right time to-

“I thought about Ruben while I was jerking off the other day,” Usnavi blurts out, and Vanessa does an honest-to-god spittake back into her mug.  
  
“Jesus, at least let me finish my coffee before you spring that shit on me at six am,” she sputters, but it seems to have shook off her sleepiness.  
  
“I don’t know what happened! It’s just, I kept thinking about everything we talked about, and he touched my shoulder, and I wanted to see if I was into it thinking about a guy _that_ way and, and I got carried away. I’m so sorry, I love you, please don’t hate me.”  
  
“Usnavi! Relax.” She gives him a dubious look. “Are you telling me this is the first time you’ve thought about someone else while you jerked it in the _whole two years_ we’ve been dating?”  
  
“Obviously. Why would I wanna think of anyone else?” He narrows his eyes. “Wait, does that mean _you’ve_ thought about other people before?”  
  
“Not while we’re doing it together, but if it’s just me on my own, sure.”  
  
“What? Who?!”  
  
“I dunno, like random celebrities or whoever, hot strangers I’ve seen on the train sometimes. Nobody we know. And don’t go getting all jealous, let’s remember the whole reason we’re having this conversation in the first place.”  
  
“I ain’t jealous!” he denies hotly, automatic, then thinks it over and confirms with himself. “No, actually, I’m really not. It’s only imagination. Oh. Oh, okay then! So you really aren’t pissed at me?”  
  
“Sometimes I wonder how you’re even real,” she sighs. “No, of course I’m not. I already know about your big stupid crush, remember? I said we’d figure it out.”

“Yeah, but there’s _I’ve got a crush_ and then there’s _hey babe, yesterday I came to the thought of fucking a dude_ —” he stops, blushing brightly. God. Why does he always have to _say_ things, out loud, with his mouth, like an _idiot_?

Vanessa is looking at him in a way that makes him feel like she can see inside his head. “Oh, so that’s where you went with it, then?”

Usnavi squirms around to hide his face against the back cushion of the sofa. "Yes."

“You don’t need to hide, I swear I’m not mad at you. Tell me what you thought about."

“Vanessa…”  
  
“I’m not mad at you. Did you imagine him touching you? Look at me, Usnavi. Did you say his name?” Her voice isn't accusing -her words feel the same way her fingers do when they flutter down his spine, though she’s not touching him at all.

“Yes,” he whispers, lifting his face to look at her. She leans in, and her eyes are shining and dark.

“I think he likes you too, you know. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, like you hung the fuckin’ sun.”

Even if this is only…whatever Vanessa’s doing right now, the thought that maybe she’s right makes Usnavi’s heart skip a little.  
  
“D’you think he ever imagines you that way?” Vanessa purrs, dragging her nails lightly across the front of his pajama pants. “Do you think he pictures your face when he comes?”

Usnavi whimpers.

“Tell me what else you thought about.”

“I thought about, um, about if I could make him say my name. About what —” he falters, voice breaking a little.  
  
“Share with the class, Usnavi.”  
  
“Thought about what he’d taste like. If I, if I went down on him.”  
  
“Mm,” she says. “You’d look so good on your knees for him.” She throws a leg over both of his, straddling his lap without actually making contact, and says “do you think he’s imagined what it’d be like if you fucked him?

They’re not quite kissing but so near to it he can almost feel her lips against his anyway. He doesn’t know how she still manages to make him shiver like this just by being close to him, by the things she says in that one specific, breathy undertone. He’ll never get tired of it.

Then she taps him under the chin, stands up and says “welp, I got a train to catch.”

“You’re fucking kidding, right?” Usnavi groans, trying to follow Vanessa’s body with his, but she pushes him lightly so he falls back onto the sofa, and picks up her bag.  
  
“Say hi to Ruben for me!” she trills brightly, wiggling her fingers in an exaggerated cutesy wave.

“I hate you!” he yells after her as she leaves the room, and he can hear her cackling laughter in the hallway.

The front door slams behind her and suddenly Usnavi’s not even bothered about being unceremoniously ditched to deal with his neglected boner by himself, because Vanessa’s parting shot just registered with him.

He’s gonna have to look Ruben in the eye after all of this. Dios mío.


	3. Chapter 3

It gets…confusing.  
  
He sees Ruben at the bodega and Ruben lights up like Usnavi’s the sun and Ruben is the moon reflecting, with the slow and shining smile that Usnavi imagined coaxing out of him with touches and tenderness in his little private fantasy. Turns out all he needs to do to make Ruben smile like that is just show up to work.

Maybe Vanessa had a point, about Ruben having a crush too.

It gets confusing because at the store, or when they hang out together, or if they cross paths in the street, they touch more and more in the tiniest increments. Usnavi is electric every time Ruben doesn’t twitch away reflexively when their fingers brush as he takes his cup of coffee. Usnavi could run the block through a three-day blackout on the buzz from that alone.

And when Usnavi is alone he’s wanting so much more, daring to imagine slipping his hands underneath that sweater, wondering what it would look like have Ruben totally laid out in front of him. Though he still can’t imagine the scars, which he’s actually fine with: it would make everything seem too real, he thinks.

It gets confusing because there’s  _crush_  and then there’s  _jerk-off fodder_ and then there’s  _Vanessa_. Usnavi doesn't know what the hell she’s doing, but it involves a lot of sly smiles and whispers in his ear, when he’s inside her or when she’s got a hand wrapped around him, about whether he’d ever be with Ruben like this, whether she’s got competition. She doesn’t seem unhappy about it.

And Ruben’s there at the bodega, wrapped in layers and shyly laying a hand on Usnavi’s arm for just the shortest few seconds.

And Usnavi’s in Vanessa’s bedroom while she’s naked above him, telling him to _think about Ruben._ Usnavi finds himself moving so he’s on top, saying  _why don’t_ ** _you_** _think about him_ , and her eyes get wild and wicked. When they’re fucking she tugs at Usnavi’s hair and calls him by Ruben’s name and both of them come so hard they see stars.

And Vanessa’s in Usnavi's bedroom, on a night they didn’t even have sex, but Usnavi wakes up from a dream with someone in his arms and it takes way too long for him to figure out which one of them it is.

The things he’s getting from both of them feel so good he doesn’t want to stop. The things he’s not telling either of them are constantly twisting in his stomach: that he maybe wants more than just friendship, that he maybe wants more than just fantasies.   
  
So Usnavi’s all over the place, is all he’s saying, even before Ruben’s in the bodega one day as Vanessa’s about to head back downtown and in her deep-V teeshirt  _leans_  past Ruben on the counter to grab her handbag in a way Usnavi knows is entirely deliberate. Ruben’s eyes drift downwards for just long enough to be noticeable to anyone watching closely, which Usnavi obviously was.  
  
They make eye contact once Ruben tears his gaze away. Usnavi raises his eyebrows and Ruben looks petrified.  
  
“Later, babe, love you,” Vanessa says to Usnavi, and he can feel her smirking in their goodbye kiss. “And you stay out of trouble, Ruben,” she adds. Ruben goes scarlet and makes an incomprehensible sound.  
  
“Can’t say that I blame you,” Usnavi says once she's gone, “but did you know you’re really unsubtle?”  
  
Ruben rests his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his hands. “Fuck. I didn’t, I’m not- it wasn’t - it’s just they were  _right there_ , and I don’t exactly see a lot of - I genuinely didn’t mean to look. I’m sorry.” He peeks out from between his fingers. “Are you mad at me? Are you gonna tell Vanessa? Do you think she noticed? God, of course she fucking did, what am I saying. Did I make her uncomfortable? I’m such a fucking idiot. I should apologise. Or would that make it worse?  _Fuck.”_  
  
“Chill, Ruben,” Usnavi says, startled. He’d expected the awkward stammer, but Ruben’s veering hard towards legitimately panicking. “ _Really_  don’t think she minded. And like, you barely looked. I was just messing with you.”  
  
“It really wasn’t on purpose. I don't want Vanessa to think I’m…I don’t know. I don’t know her very well yet but I really like her? I mean I like  _talking_  to her, and she’s kind of a total badass and you love her she must be great. I don’t want her to think I think of her the same way all  _those_  guys do.”  
  
“She doesn’t -”  
  
“I’ve heard the way they all talk to her,” says Ruben, with unexpected fierceness, not even hearing Usnavi. “Like they don’t care whether she wants to hear what they have to say or not. Like they don't care what she wants, only what she can give them.”

Usnavi can read between the lines. His heart hurts, that there’s more than one person in his life who the world only wants to take and take from and use for its own.

There’s a serious twinge of guilt, as well, about his and Vanessa’s current  _thing_ , but he puts that aside for later.

“I hate it too,” he says quietly instead, hoisting himself up to sit next to Ruben. “Vanessa, she’s…they have no idea who they’re really talking to, how lucky they should feel to be near her. Even when she yells at them because she ain’t gonna take their shit then they’re just like, oh, she’s  _feisty_. Which she is, but they don’t mean it the right way. And she’s sweet too, you know? In her own way.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. She’s not always very good at it, don’t get me wrong. But she really tries, and I love that she tries. I love  _her_.” Usnavi pauses, debating whether to - ah, fuck it. “She’s been so amazing helping me, uh, figure out I’m not straight.”

“You aren’t?” says Ruben. He sounds surprised but not uncomfortable, thankfully. “And that’s a recent epiphany, or…?”  
  
“ _Very_  recent. You asked why I was distracted, a couple weeks back? Yeah. I’ve told her and Benny - well, technically Vanessa told _me_ , but whatever - so don’t like, spread it around, I’m still figuring some stuff out, but I got no problem with you knowing.”  
  
“Oh,” Ruben says, then leans in towards him, their shoulders brushing. “Thank you for telling me.”  
  
Usnavi leans in too, so their arms are fully pressed against each others. “You remind me of her a bit, sometimes.”  
  
“ _Really_?” Ruben asks, and when Usnavi nods he looks stunned. “Wow. That’s…that’s  _awesome_.”

He says it with all the reverence it deserves, and Usnavi’s so glad that finally,  _finally_  here’s someone else who sees Vanessa as she should be seen. He meant what he said about them being similar: there’s so much there if people would just put in the effort, but nobody takes the time. Nobody cares enough to bother.

The two of them sit side by side on the counter, watching the neighborhood pass the window while minutes tick by, not saying anything. That’s fine. Usnavi’s patient, when it matters.  
  
***

Usnavi sweeps Vanessa into a deep, appreciative kiss as soon as he enters her apartment the next afternoon. She beams up at him when he’s finished. “Hello to you too. Staking your claim in case our new favorite stray comes by to eye up the goods again?”  
  
“About that, actually,” he says, following her into the bedroom area. “Fun as it is to try and make Ruben blush so hard his face explodes, I think we need to call it quits on this whole, uh, whatever.”  
  
“Wait, really?” Vanessa asks, glancing over her shoulder at him as she rummages through her makeup bag. “We’ll stop if you don't like it, but i gotta say I thought you seemed pretty into it.”

“No, no, I am  _super_  into it. But I’m feeling really wrong about how Ruben doesn’t know any of what we’ve been doing? Like…isn’t that kind of invasive of us? We don't know if he’d be okay with this. So we should probably drop it, because respect, and all.”  
  
“Oh… _oh_. I guess I see what you mean. Huh.” She finally locates a chapstick in her bag, and applies a layer, a worryingly thoughtful look on her face despite the pout. “Yeah. We could drop it.  _Unless…_ ”  
  
“…Unless?”  
  
“Unless we get him involved for real instead?”  
  
There’s a very long silence.  
  
“Hahaha?” says Usnavi nervously, because…what other response is there? His dick tries to weigh in with  _yes yes say yes_  but he mentally shushes it. Now is not the time.  
  
“I’m being serious. Why not? You’re cute, I’m cute, he’s cute. You dig him, and I’m not gonna object to having two Usnavis at once, it’s good times all round.”  
  
Fuck, but that’s the problem right there. Usnavi would be so, so into it, and Vanessa’s always been more adventurous than him so he doesn’t doubt she’d enjoy herself. He just doesn’t think Ruben would want to be a  _why not_  or an Usnavi 2.0.

“I think that’s a bad idea, Vanessa.”  
  
“Whaaat, why? It’d be fun.”  
  
There’s a million reasons why this isn’t something that can happen. Most of them he can’t tell her. “It’s just. Not a thing people do with their friends, usually? Plus we don’t even know if he’s into guys.”  
  
“That’s easy enough to find out. Turns out I’m amazing at playing Find The Bi Guy. And Ruben looks like he needs to let loose, what’s a little menage-a-trois between buddies?”  
  
“Vanessa, seriously. Don’t do whatever you’re planning to do.  _And_ ,” he says emphatically, because he can already tell what she’s about to say, “do not even try to tell me you’re not planning anything. Not a good idea. For real.”

“I think you’re just worried that my game’s gonna be stronger than your signature move of pining quietly and giving him free coffee.”  
  
“Hey! Worked for us, didn’t it?”  
  
“Usnavi, it took actual years, you almost moving to the Dominican Republic and Dani straight up  _telling_  me that you were into me for us to get together.” She plays her finger idly across the rough scratch of his goatee. “That’s kind of a long game.”

“I’m gonna call that extenuating circumstance on account of how I’m a huge dork and you’re kind of bad at feelings. It’d go much smoother if we tried it again. We’re older now, we’re wiser!”  
  
“And Ruben is?”  
  
“…Ruben is a huge dork who is kind of bad at feelings, yes, okay, I see your point,” Usnavi huffs, shoving her lightly so she tumbles sideways onto the bed. She grabs his arms as she goes and smoothly rolls them so that he ends up underneath her, shrouded in a curtain of her long hair, and he sort of forgets everything they were talking about before that.  
  
***

Almost always, the fact that Vanessa does her own thing and thinks for herself and doesn’t need or want Usnavi to make decisions for her is one of his favorite things about her as a person and about their relationship.

A small, tiny fraction of the time, it is a fucking nightmare.  
  
Like right now: here’s Usnavi trying to play it cool while Vanessa’s laying on some casual charm as she angles to get Ruben to join them on a night out, implied potential for him to get laid double-underlined and capslocked. She’s talking something about going to the club to pick up girls  _or guys, I guess?_ , and when Ruben says  _either, actually_  it's like she’s somehow managing to stare deliberately at Usnavi without even looking in his direction. This is exactly what he didn’t want to get caught up in. He’s so, so worried Ruben’s gonna pick up on the vibe Usnavi’s trying real hard not to lay down and then everything’s just gonna get messed up.  
  
Except what actually happens is worse, because Ruben suddenly gets this look like someone’s just picked his brain up out of his head and transported it a hundred miles away, lost and frightened and horribly blank all at once. His hands start making familiar spasming little movements.

Shit, shit,  _shit_. Oh god, Usnavi doesn't want to watch this happen again, he doesn’t want to hear Ruben say those things again. Vanessa looks between the two of them with anxious non-comprehension.

Ends up that he doesn't have to watch it, thank fucking god: when Usnavi asks, Ruben at least knows where he is, who he’s with, mutters something about Ian and a club: “I had to make drugs for them. Took a pill. They had guns.”

Usnavi didn’t know about that one.

“It’s okay,” Ruben says, apparently to himself. “It’s over.”  
  
“It’s over,” says Usnavi, just to make sure that’s clear, and then he's seized with an unreasonable fear that Ruben could still drift away completely like a lost balloon if nobody’s there to keep him down on the ground. He needs to do something.  
  
“Can I put my hands on your shoulders, is that alright?”

Ruben nods and almost as soon as Usnavi touches him, he flings himself forwards and clings to Usnavi tightly, anchoring himself like maybe he was scared of floating away too. Usnavi rubs his back. All he can think is how this is the first time they’ve really touched this close and prolonged, and it’s so goddamn unfair that neither of them get to enjoy the moment.

Vanessa had turned her back while they were hugging, something she so often does when things are raw and she doesn't know how to deal, but as Ruben says his goodbyes and books it, she turns to Usnavi and asks “what did I do?” in a quavering voice.  
  
Usnavi doesn’t answer, just watches the door close with a strange acid sensation like he’s got heartburn in his soul.  
  
“Usnavi? What was that?”  
  
“Flashback,” he says, brusquely. He feels weird. He feels  _weird_.

“A flashback?!” she says, loud in the heavy atmosphere that’s hanging in the store. “To  _what_? Jesus, Usnavi, he looked like he was on a different fucking planet. Did you  _know_  that was a thing he does? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did,” he says, and now he can tell what he’s feeling: it’s that step on the borderline that takes you fast from fearful to  _pissed_. “I told you he’s had a rough time. I told you I didn’t think we should do this.”

“Yeah, you said a rough time, I thought you maybe meant he got fired or divorced or something. Not fucking flashback kind of rough time, not…what was he saying, something about guns? And drugs?”

She’s almost shouting, and he knows it’s just what she does when she feels uncomfortable, he knows she’s only pissed at herself, but he can’t find the softness to be comforting right now.  
  
“You could’ve at least mentioned it was something this major,” she insists. “Why the fuck didn’t you say?”  
  
“Because he  _trusted_  me with it and it’s not a game, okay, Vanessa? It’s his life to decide who gets to know what, he’s a  _person!_  He’s not just part of some…little threeway fantasy thing that we can just fuck around with however we want to then throw him aside!” he explodes.

Vanessa looks taken aback. Usnavi never yells, not like this and especially not at her. He’s bad at being mad at anyone, and he’s not even really mad at her now, he’s mad at everything. Usnavi’s not used to hating people the way he hates the guys who did this to Ruben, he doesn’t know how to process that kind of cruelty, and he’s been able to shove it to the back of his mind because of everything else, but it’s been waiting there for weeks since Ruben’s first flashback in the bodega. He’s so  _angry,_ he doesn’t know how to cope with it. He wants Vanessa to be angry too, she’s better at it than he is. He wants to hear her tell him in that savage, snarling voice she gets that she’ll tear Jason’s fucking head off, that she’ll be right there beside Usnavi to back him up if that son of a bitch ever even  _thinks_  about Ruben again.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t…I really didn’t know, Usnavi.”

“I can’t tell you anything about it,” he says, heavily. “I wish I could.”

He’s thinking of everything Ruben told him in his kitchen and they still haven’t talked about whatever the thing was that left Ruben hurt enough for Ian to write a message on the wall in blood, they still haven’t talked about the resignation in Ruben’s voice when he said  _I had something he needed and that’s all I was worth,_  now there’s whatever happened at this club. And probably more, all this shit and somehow still more, a million fucking injustices piled onto one guy who never deserved a goddamn second of it. He’s thinking about the way he just wants to reach over and hold Ruben’s hand sometimes and that he hasn’t told Vanessa he’s terrified this is a lot more than just a dirty fantasy, more than just a passing crush.  
  
Usnavi doesn’t like keeping secrets. Usnavi’s always had too much spilling over his edges to let anything really stay hidden for long. The locked little room where his private heartache for his parents is held doesn’t have space for all of this extra shit.

“I wish I could,” he says again, and bursts into violent, messy tears.  
  
“Oh,  _honey_ ,” Vanessa says, and she gathers him into her arms. It’s not quite her at his side beating the shit out of the bad things in the world, but it’s a similar relief. Vanessa’s got him, he can let himself be sad and scared when she’s there on lookout, he can handle anything when she’s got his back.

“It’s real bad, whatever happened to him, isn’t it?” she asks almost timidly, after a couple of minutes when he starts to calm down.  
  
“It’s so awful, Vanessa, I can’t  _stand_  it,” he hiccups. “I’m sorry I yelled. I’m not mad at you. I just hate it, you know? It’s all so fucked up, and I can’t even talk to you about it. ”  
  
“I know. I do understand why you can’t, if that helps any? And it’s not like I haven’t noticed he’s carrying some baggage.” Her arms tighten round him a little too hard and he knows she’s feeling guilty as hell. “You said to leave it, I should’ve known not to mess around. I’m sorry too. I hate that I made him feel like that.”  
  
“You didn’t do it on purpose,” he says. “And with the sex thing, that was me as well, that’s on both of us. Look, it was fine when we were just kidding. And you know I love you  _so_  much but yeah, both of you at once, I’m crazy into that idea. But you’re thinking like we can bring him in for a night then drop him and we just  _can’t_. That’s why I ain’t chasing him, that’s why I said we gotta stop. He trusts me and I’m not gonna be another person who uses him, I’m not gonna be another person who hurts him.”  
  
“I know, baby,” Vanessa says, with a determination that makes Usnavi feel like things just have to end up okay because the universe wouldn’t dare cross her. “Neither am I.”


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m gonna go apologize to him,” Vanessa announces, later that night.

“Hm?” asks Usnavi, mostly zoned out. Between the crying and then having to finish his shift and the bad vibe that’s been hanging over them both all day, he’s fucking exhausted. “What, to Ruben? Now? Really?”  
  
“Yeah,” she says, looking mutinous and shoving herself up off the sofa, grabbing her spare key off the coffee table as she rises. “I  _do_  know how to apologize to people.”  
  
“Wasn’t doubting, just surprised. It’s not like you did it on purpose, you know he won’t blame you, right?”  
  
Vanessa shrugs uncomfortably. “I know. It…just seemed like a pretty big goddamn deal. It’s- you don’t often get like that.” She’s twisting the key ring round her finger, staring intently at it so she doesn’t have to look at him, but he’s used to that. “I know you’re like, the emotional one. But you’ve got your shit together underneath all the noise, it takes a hell of a lot to fuck you up properly. I hate knowing there’s something that can make you cry like that, you know? I hate it when you aren’t happy.”  
  
Usnavi just nods, not wanting to interrupt.  
  
““And I hate that it’s because of something that happened to Ruben, too. I like him. He doesn’t deserve…whatever, flashbacks and shit. It was my fault at the bodega today, at least a bit. I want him to know he's safe with me, too.”  
  
She tries so hard,. He loves her so much. He follows her out into the hallway where she reaches for her heels before thinking twice and grabbing her sneakers instead, but once they’re laced up she still stays sat on the ground, biting her thumbnail with a frown.  
  
“Hey, querida,” Usnavi says, holding out his hands for her to take and pulling her to her feet. “What’s on your mind?”  
  
“I’m really bad at this. What if I break him again?”

“You didn't break him the first time. He’s dealt with worse than you, believe it or not. Just try not to yell at him, I guess? Even the not-really-angry yelling. Might not be what he needs right now.”  
  
“I ain’t  _gonna_  yell at him,” she says.  
  
“If you’re really worried you could just text instead? He’d probably appreciate that just as much.”  
  
“No. If you two can deal with whatever’s messed you up that much, I can deal with one shitty real conversation about feelings to try and help him out. He’s my friend too.” She takes a deep breath. “Well. Wish me luck, I guess.”  
  
“You can do this,” he tells her, unhesitating.  
  
***

Usnavi is catapulted out of a nap he hadn’t intended to take by his phone vibrating right beside his head, six times in quick succession.

**ruben:  
** \- heads up, i told vanessa you could tell her whatever about. you know. Everything.  
\- just realising now that might’ve been a dick move to dump that task on you without even asking  
\- don’t feel like you have to if you don’t want to, i can do it myself  
\- shit that wasn't meant to be passive-aggressive or anything, genuinely if you don't want to i get it. it’s my problem, i shouldn’t have made it yours too.  
\- no, wait: it’s my problem and if you are willing to help i would appreciate it, but i will also understand if you don’t feel comfortable doing that and thank you for your friendship either way  
\- ...sorry. 

Jesus. That’s a lot to wake up to.

**usnavi:**  
\- chill ruben ima tell her

He types  _i wanna help you be happy_  and  _youre amazing, did you know that_  and  _i like you so much_ , deleting each sentence as soon as he’s wrote it.

**ruben:**  
\- thank you  
\- for everything  
\- and sorry.

**usnavi:  
** \- its all good man, i got you

And then Vanessa’s keys are jingling in the lock, and Usnavi doesn’t even know where he’s supposed to begin.  


***

He stutters and stalls from start to finish. Every time the words stick in his throat he wishes that he’d been selfish and told Ruben this was too much for him, he doesn’t want to have to hear his own voice repeating this shit. Then he thinks that Ruben’s probably had to do this a thousand times, in police stations and court and therapist’s offices and Usnavi’s own kitchen and somewhere in Usnavi there’s endless depths of admiration for that but mostly he’s just furious.  _Again._

Vanessa isn’t on his level pacing the floor and swearing. She’s sitting on the sofa with her hand over her mouth and her eyes are too shiny.

“That’s so beyond fucked up,” she says, helplessly. “That happened- someone  _did_  that, to  _Ruben_? But…that’s so  _fucked up_.”

“I know.” Usnavi puts his hands over his face for a minute, tries to let the darkness clear his head, and when he takes them away Vanessa’s wiping at her eyes, smudging mascara across the back of her hand.

Somewhere inside himself Usnavi manages to find another well of anger; at Ian and Jason, because everything else and now they’ve made  _Vanessa_  cry, and at himself for not even thinking about the fact that it would upset her. He slams his hand flat-palmed against the wall, hard, then breathes it out uno-dos-tres-respira. The stinging impact calms him down but only by a fraction.  
  
Vanessa buries her face in his chest with a sigh when he sits down next to her.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he says, trying to sound convincing, but Vanessa’s still sniffling a little and Usnavi still wants to fight someone. Everything feels the wrong way round.

***

All the next day he doesn’t see Vanessa (at least, not after she leaves for work) or Ruben (who is probably at home avoiding emotions for the day, and who can blame him), only his customers and Sonny, who takes one look at Usnavi standing under a metaphorical thundercloud and spends as much of their shared shift as possible making up reasons to hide from him in the back room. It’s not exactly anger, just an undefinable restless feeling like there’s an actual storm above him, surrounded by the buzzing excess of the air before lightning. Usnavi’s used to doing things, or at least talking things over, but talking didn’t help and there’s nothing he can do. It’s making him itchy.

The day after that, Vanessa barges into the store when they’re both there and announces to Ruben that she intends to hug him. Ruben accepts. Usnavi sneaks a glance from where he’s shelf-stacking. Here’s an outside view of something he’s only ever been in the middle of before: this is Vanessa the day Usnavi’s parents died, Vanessa in the moment everything calmed down and he suddenly realized that Abuela Claudia was gone for real, Vanessa standing in almost that exact spot two days ago while he cried all over her. Always that solid armor embrace, one hand stroking his hair.

Ruben relaxes shudderingly into it, shoulders drooping with relief and face hidden. Vanessa’s got a look on her like she’d square up bare-knuckle to an active volcano and win. The jittery feeling in Usnavi’s veins finally mellows, turning sweeter but something stays insistent:  _look_. Ruben holding tightly to Vanessa. Vanessa talking in his ear too low for Usnavi to hear. 

They look so good together.

Usnavi’s not exactly jealous, he could watch them forever maybe, except that he’s the only one in the room not getting cuddled and that doesn’t seem fair at all. So he complains and huddles up close to Vanessa, and Ruben under her other arm gently teases that this must mean Vanessa likes him better. It’s almost exactly the same as things always are, except that now Ruben’s arm is resting against Usnavi’s where they’re both twined around Vanessa’s back.

***

It’s been a long-ass couple days. Vanessa’s asleep almost as soon as Usnavi turns the light off. He’s not far behind when a thought hits like the panicked jolt at the end of a dream about falling, jerking him violently back to consciousness.

“Vanessa?” he whispers.

“Mmmnf?”  
  
“ _Vanessa!”_  He shakes her gently. This is an emergency.  
  
“¡ _¿_ Qué quieres?! _"_  she snaps, instinctively annoyed before waking up properly and rolling to face him. “Oh. What’s up?”

“Ruben  _hugged_  me. The other day, in the store?”

The darkness does nothing to diminish Vanessa’s flat, unimpressed stare. “No me fuckin’ diga, Usnavi, I was there too.”  
  
“And then you today. He hugged both of us. Because he trusts us most.”  
  
“…I guess so, yeah? What’s your point?”  
  
“Vanessa. What if that’s the first time he’s been hugged since he moved here?!”

She wrinkles her nose up at him. “Did you wake me up just to depress me?”  
  
It feels like she’s missing the gravity of the situation, to be honest. “It must be, because he doesn’t let anyone else touch him at all. He’s been here for months! We have to  _do something_.”  
  
“Oh my god. Here’s a solution: ask Ruben if he wants a hug. If he does, we hug him. Problem solved, you reckon?”

“But what if he doesn’t like it? What if he wants us to stop?”  
  
“Then we  _stop_ ,” she says impatiently, turning to face the other way. “Can I go back to sleep now?”

It does sound kinda obvious, when she puts it like that.

***  


Ruben, as it turns out, does like it and does not want them to stop, contentedly nestling against them whenever they open their arms to him, until they’re all so used to it that sometimes he’ll make the first move before they even offer. That feels like a victory.

There’s an unspoken understanding between the three of them that they don’t do this when customers are there, or if Sonny or Benny or anyone else is hanging around. It’s supposedly platonic but it still feels too private, though probably none of them could say why, exactly.

Even when it’s been going on for a few weeks, Ruben always starts off like it’s the first time he’s ever been near another human in his life, hesitant and stiff and unsure. After a few seconds, Ruben always latches on like he’s worried that once they let go it’ll be the last time.

Usnavi can’t help himself but talk extensively about it to Vanessa, wondering if she sees what he sees, but all she says is a dry “so you  _still_ notice a lot about Ruben, I guess.”  
  
“I notice stuff about everyone,” he replies.  
  
Like he notices how Vanessa’s hands have started finding excuses to trail behind every time she and Ruben pull apart, straightening his collar or picking barely-visible lint off the shoulder of his sweater. Or that when Ruben leaves she watches after him until he’s out of sight. Or that Usnavi’s caught her looking at him and Ruben together, with an expression that’s somehow both a million miles away from the glint in her eye back when she used to tell him  _think about Ruben_  with her with her hand wrapped round his dick and so, so similar to it all at once.

For now, that doesn’t need to be shared: he might  _notice_  shit but he’s not always great at interpreting it and this one needs more thinking time, even if he’s pretty certain he’s got it right. She’d only deny it, anyway.

***  
  
“Ready?”  
  
“Ready - no, wait, mierda, not ready, not ready!” Usnavi shields his face, cringing. An M&M bounces harmlessly off the back of his left hand and rattles onto the counter next to him.  
  
“You’re never gonna catch it if you keep doing that, Usnavi!” Vanessa chides, several feet away with an open packet of candy in one hand. She selects another one carefully, like a bowler checking the weight of their ball. “It’s chocolate, not grenades.”  
  
“Okay, okay, this time, I swear.” He opens his mouth and tilts his head back a little. The door jingles as Vanessa takes aim.  
  
“I knew a guy in college who nearly died doing that,” Ruben says conversationally from the doorway, just as Vanessa makes what was probably an excellent shot; Usnavi shrieks and ducks out of the way of inevitable death, then tries to turn it into a smooth roll off the counter towards Ruben to grab him by the wrist and pull him closer. It’s mostly successful, in that he still looks like a screaming idiot but at least now he’s an idiot who is cuddling Ruben.  
  
“Shit, like from choking?” Vanessa asks, tipping the last of the candy into her mouth and shoving the empty wrapper into the back pocket of Usnavi’s jeans before holding her arms out. “My turn.”  
  
“Nah. Peanut allergy. Bought the wrong kind of M&Ms.” Ruben, as always, looks elated at their attention. His eyes scrunch almost shut with happiness as he shifts from Usnavi's arms to rest his chin on Vanessa’s shoulder, standing on his tiptoes because she’s wearing her heels.  
  
“You wanna throw things at Usnavi’s face with me? You gotta buy the next round though, I’m all out of missiles.”  
  
“Tempting, but I’m here for business, not pleasure. I got snacky while catching up on research, but actually I wanna get back before I lose my flow, so…” he points down the aisles apologetically.

“Aite babe, don’t let us keep you from being a genius,” she says, letting him go with an encouraging little shove.

_Oh!_ Usnavi fucking called it! He inhales excitedly, and Vanessa’s eyes snap to him.  
  
Ruben hurries off to get his food, apparently oblivious. Vanessa waits till he’s out of sight before making frantic  _cut it out_  motions with her hands.

“Shut up, shut up, don’t you dare,” she says under her breath.   
  
“‘ _Babe’_? ¡No me diga!” Usnavi whisper-shouts. “Vaneeessa!”  
  
“It wasn’t a thing,” she insists. “It was not a thing. Just a mistake. I was distracted, his dumb face is basically the same as your dumb face, surprised it hasn’t happened before. You don’t have to be so… _you_  about it. Stop bouncing!”  
  
Usnavi will not stop bouncing. He adds a wavey little arm gesture for good measure. “I’m me about everything. Especially this! Do you  _like_ him, Vanessa?”

“¡Cállate! Be cool for once,” she hisses, as Ruben comes back up front holding a box of granola bars and a carton of orange juice. He eyes them while Usnavi rings his total up, takes in Usnavi’s gleeful expression and Vanessa pouting with her arms folded defensively.

“Everything good?” he asks, handing over his money.

“Usnavi’s a jerk,” Vanessa sniffs grumpily. “You sure you don’t wanna hang out so I don’t have to put up with him alone?”

“No, I have to get back, science will miss me if I’m gone too long. Thanks, Usnavi. See you round.” Ruben takes his bag, pausing before turning to Vanessa. “Later,  _babe_ ,” he says, and walks out smirking.

“Oooh,” says Usnavi.

“He’s a real little shit sometimes,” says Vanessa, admiringly.

***

Vanessa in the mornings is a disaster before caffeine. It’s hardly even a surprise the day he comes in from taking out the trash and she’s there wearing Usnavi’s jammies and sleepily kissing Ruben’s cheek: she could probably mistake  _Benny_  for Usnavi in this condition. Or maybe it’s just that Ruben’s ended up so inextricably woven into what used to be a two-person gig that she forgot they weren’t actually dating him, though she still won't admit out loud that she likes him.

Ruben’s trying to sputter out apologies, but it’s not like Usnavi’s bothered by it - hypocrisy central if he was, for a start. And this sort of thing happens. In fact, this specific thing happens almost immediately, because Usnavi finds himself wandering over to the two of them and pressing his lips gently to Ruben’s other cheek without really thinking about whether that would be a weird thing to do. It goes on a few seconds too long to pass as a joke.

Vanessa’s looking suddenly alert, intrigue tugging at the corners of her eyes as she leans in towards him for her own kiss. Honestly, though, Usnavi’s thought process pretty much began and ended at  _I wanna be involved too!_ so it’s only at Ruben’s second loud, urgent “ _um?!”_ that Usnavi’s brain even catches up to where he’s standing: Ruben is sandwiched between Usnavi and Vanessa, his face about four inches away from where they’d just been kissing, which in Usnavi’s experience is not way that couples normally act with their friends. Also, Usnavi didn’t ask Ruben if he was cool with any of this before he went and got their faces all up on each other,  _shit_.

“Was that not okay? I shouldn’t have-“

But Ruben is only panicking in a normal not-flashback way, babbling out way too many variations of  _it’s fine_  three octaves and thirty decibels up from how he usually speaks and then struggling out from between them to try and drown himself in his coffee cup.

A couple seconds later, he lowers the cup to brush the fingers of his other hand over where Usnavi just kissed him, lips parting in awed surprise.

“Oh my god, are you  _blushing_ , Ruben?” Vanessa asks.

Ruben turns even redder and shouts “NO,” his eyes darting between them both. He adds “I HAVE TO GO”, and then makes a pained face at himself before hurtling out the door so fast he nearly forgets to open it first.

“Subtle,” Vanessa says, then pins Usnavi with a piercing look. “So. That was an unexpected move. What’s your game, De la Vega?”

“Just following your lead, García,” he answers coolly enough, but his thoughts are pinging like a bullet ricochet in an echo chamber right now, because maybe maybe  _maybe_  there’s some things to be re-evaluated here. “Did you actually think he was me or are you just an opportunist?”  
  
She grins at him. “Oh, probably the first one. Either way, _in_ teresting reaction, right? Wanna talk about how much Ruben looks like a Disney princess when he does the starry-eyed thing?”

“I absolutely do, among other things, but talk later, work now,” he says, stroking his thumb along her cheekbone once before he lets go and scoots behind the counter. “This was a respectable establishment before you guys turned it into a telenovela love triangle.”

“You started it,” she says. “Anyway, what the fuck, I’ve been down here for like twenty minutes with no coffee. The service in this place is terrible.”

He flips her off affectionately then turns to the coffee pot, mouth still tingling with the memory of kissing Ruben, heart thudding with anticipation of what he might say to Vanessa later. It’s either gonna be incredible or a total fucking shitshow.


	5. Chapter 5

Vanessa’s got no respect for Usnavi’s sense of drama. Sitting her down on the couch after work, he clasps both of her hands in this and just says it, like he’s been rehearsing in his head except that it ends up coming out a lot faster from nerves: “there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and I hope it won’t upset you, but I’ll understand if you need some time to think about it.” He takes a deep breath. “I think I have feelings for Ruben. Not just the crush thing, like actual romantic-style feelings for him. I’d obviously never do anything you aren’t okay with and I still love you so much, but you deserve to know the truth.”

Vanessa starts laughing.

“Um, can you _not_ ,” Usnavi says, thrown. “I’m trying to reveal my inner self to you here.”

“Usnavi, sweetheart,” she says, “do you think I didn’t fucking know that? Me, your girlfriend who knew you were digging on Ruben before you even realised you were into guys?”  
  
“Oh, are you fucking _serious_ right now,” he shouts, louder than he meant to. “I’ve been stressing about this for _weeks a_ nd you already knew? Why didn’t you say something?”

“I can’t have _all_ your big gay emotional revelations for you, dude,” she says. “I figured you just needed space to work shit out, and anyway I didn’t wanna push too hard again, after what happened with Ruben that one time.”

Usnavi flops heavily backward feeling like the wind’s been taken out of his sails a bit. He was expecting more of a back-and-forth here. “And what, you’re just fine about it? Aren’t you at least supposed to be mad that I didn’t tell you sooner?

“And when have I ever done what I’m supposed to?” Vanessa asks, wry. “Babe. I _know_ you. Till Ruben showed up you’ve never had more than a passing glance at anyone since we’ve been together, and even those I only know about because you get so stupidly guilty that you feel the need to send me an apology text whenever you look too long at a pretty girl in shorts.”

“I like being honest,” he says, slightly sulky.

“Oh, stop pouting. It’s a good thing.” She taps his cheek so he turns to face her properly. “That’s the whole reason I’m okay with this. Because the whole time this has been going on, not for one single second have I felt like you love me any less. And I think I’d know if you did, because you’re the worst fucking liar I’ve ever met.”

“I ain’t that bad,” he protests, unconvincingly. “Whatever. Go away. Okay. That’s good to know. And you’re right, obviously, of course I don’t love you less, I love you more every single day but actually anyway my lying skills aren’t even what the whole point of this conversation is.”

“No?”

“No.” Usnavi shoots her a mischievous look, feeling his momentum rev back up. It’s not often he gets the chance to turn the tables and knock Vanessa off-kilter. “The point is that I want to ask if you like Ruben too.”

Vanessa waves her hand in a casual _sure thing_ gesture. “You know I already said I’d be up for it. What’s not to like? Good face. _Great_ body, even with all the sweaters.”

“Those hips, though,” agrees Usnavi, and Vanessa makes an _I know!_ noise. “But I didn’t ask if if you’d fuck him, I asked if you liked him.”

She stays silent, suddenly staring fixedly up at the ceiling.

“Vanessa. _Vanessa_. Are you trying to pretend I’m not here?” He shifts into a crouch on the cushions so that he can try and make eye contact but then overbalances into her lap, grinning up at her. “Vaneeeessa!”

“You’re so fucking annoying, you know that?” she tells him, flicking him lightly on the forehead, and he nods happily.

“You kissed him. You called him babe that one time. And you’re always real touchy-feely with him, not just the hugs, and you’re all protective of him like how you get with me. You do like him, don’t you?”

Vanessa gives a resigned sigh. “He came over and held my hand at his place, when I went to apologise, did I tell you that?” she says quietly, pretending to examine her own fingernails closely. “To try and make me feel better. Even though he never used to touch anyone apart from you then. Even though I pretty much gave him a panic attack before. I, uh, I don’t know what to do with that.”

“What do you mean, ‘what to do with that’?” Usnavi asks, sitting back up properly.

“I mean. Agh, I don’t know. I guess I mean that I get why he told you, because you’re _you._ But like. He trusted me with the biggest most fucked-up part of his life too. I don’t understand why. He’s known Benny and Sonny and a bunch of people for way longer. And I can’t just say things and make people feel better like you all can. It doesn’t make much sense.”

“Sure it does,” Usnavi argues easily. “It’s because he gets you. He _sees_ you, you know?”

Vanessa mulls that over for a minute. “He does, doesn’t he?” she says, shaking her head, then she smiles to herself. “You know what I said to him? When I went over to his place?”

“What?”

“Told him I could see why you liked him so much,” she says, with a quick amused glance sideways at him and Usnavi could fucking _sing_ , because he knows that’s the closest he’s gonna get to a straight answer. Yes, yes, _yes_. Vanessa drops her head onto his shoulder like she’s tired herself out. “You feel like we’ve been having so many more important emotional conversations since Ruben came along? It’s exhausting. That boy is trouble.”

“Well, since you mention it…”

“Oh, Christ, aren’t we finished yet?” she groans.

“No. But you’ll like this one, I hope.”

***

The second part of the conversation went down well: Vanessa liked it a lot. The next day feels like Christmas morning when Usnavi was a kid. He’s awake and immediately full of energy at 5am long before his alarm goes off, lies there debating whether it’s acceptable to get Vanessa up yet and trying to repress the urge to kick his legs about to siphon some of the excitement. He’s only partially successful, but since Vanessa has agreed to be up at opening time to meet Ruben today - a sign of her dedication to this if ever there was one - she’s not too pissed at being woken up, and barely even snaps at him.

Though actually, they’d discussed their approach in detail yesterday and decided that it was best to go slow and test the waters, rather than just springing their feelings on Ruben all at once. It might be too much too soon for a guy who’s only just figured out what a fucking hug is in the past month. So it’s not quite like Christmas, because Usnavi doesn’t get to unwrap anything yet.

Maybe more like the day he was up even earlier than usual to get ready to spend some of Abuela’s lotto money on a two-week trip to Playa Rincon, checking over his suitcase and his tickets to make sure he was all ready  for his flight. The same sense of nerves (what if something goes wrong, or if he fucks up something important, or if it’s just not as good as he pictured it being all this time?) and anticipation (what if it’s everything he hoped for?).

That seems apt: the start of a journey he’s dreamed about but never quite thought he’d take.

They’re doing this. They’re actually going to do this. Well, depending on Ruben’s reaction, which itself depends on if Ruben ever shows up. It’s now a full hour past opening with no sign of him. True, he doesn’t show every day, but Usnavi had been hoping for today and it’s not a good omen if he doesn’t.

Usnavi bounces on his toes, tries not to check his watch again. “Why is he doing this to us?” he asks.

“We scared him off,” Vanessa answers darkly. She’s a ray of sunshine first thing.

“No, we didn’t,” says Usnavi, more confident than he feels.

“You don’t know that,” she says. “Not like it’d be the first time I’ve trampled all over his boundaries like a fucking elephant. Goddammit.”

“That is _not_ the tone of someone about to depart on a majestic voyage of romance, Vanessa,” Usnavi reprimands her severely.

“There’s just so much we haven’t thought about. What if he likes you and not me? What if he just pretends to be okay with it so he doesn’t offend us? You gotta admit that sounds like something he’d do.”

Usnavi hadnt even considered it, actually. “We’re gonna be careful. I mean, he’s basically as easy to read as I am, so I think we’ll be able to see if something’s not working. We can always stop and apologise if we need to, like you said with the hugs. Don’t stress, querida _,_ that’s supposed to be my job. We got this.”

“Okay. Yeah, you’re right,” she says, but she still tips her head forwards to hide behind her hair. She’s _nervous._ This is…odd.

“Hey. We dont have to do it, alright?” he tells her, though the idea of backing out now is almost painful. “I like him, I really like him. But I love you, and if this is gonna be too much of a problem we don’t have to do it and I’ll understand.”

“I want to,” she says, determined. “I really do want to. It’s just…it’s scary when it’s important.”

“You’ll be awesome,” he assures her, tucking her hair behind her ears and lifting her face so he can look at her proper, trying to convince her with just his eyes. “You always are. Hey, there he is!’

Ruben’s just come in looking like he might be walking to his execution; out of the corner of his eye, Usnavi can see that Vanessa is steeling herself to act with a similar sort of look. Honestly, the two of them are on totally the wrong vibe for this amazing thing that’s about to start and meanwhile Usnavi felt his face go radiant and joyous and probably dumb as fuck the second he saw Ruben. He doesn’t bother trying to hide it.

Vanessa steps forward first, punctuating the end of her usual hug with a kiss dropped on Ruben’s cheek just like they’d planned. His expression goes blank, in a _Ruben can’t come to the phone right now_ way. Usnavi swoops in to kiss his other cheek. He can practically hear the mental dial tone while they wait for Ruben to figure out how he feels about this.

Call connected: Ruben blinks himself out of his own head and smiles at the both of them. “Hey, Vanessa. Hey, Usnavi.”

If either of them were still worried about Ruben maybe not being into them, the way Ruben says their names - careful precision like he’s measuring out every syllable - would’ve taken care of that.

***

It’s almost like normal but better, a repeat performance of the hug thing in watching the way Ruben accepts the new physicality of their friendship and slowly gets confident enough to tilt his cheek towards an anticipated kiss, the faint lines at the corners of his eyes deepening every time.

Then a few weeks in, Vanessa leans into Ruben and gets the wrong reaction entirely, a furrowed brow and sad sigh. She takes a step back, eyeing him.

“Something wrong?”

“…No.”

His eyes go all big and wet and emotional. If Usnavi is half as bad at hiding his feelings as this it’s really no wonder everyone always seems to know what he’s thinking.

“Ruben.”

“I just don’t understand why you’re being so nice to me,” Ruben says in a rush. “Or why _anyone’s_ been so nice to me. This isn’t right. People were good to me in Jamaica. People are good to me here. I can’t pay any of you back for it, I don’t know what the catch is.”

“Can you maybe clarify what you think it is you owe everyone for?” Usnavi questions, cautiously.

“Like…” Ruben shrugs and makes an expansive gesture. “All of it. I don't know. The flashback stuff, at least with you two. Or people keep asking how I am. Wanting to hang out with me. And I haven't even done anything in return so that’s…it’s not how things work, right? Is it?”

He looks confused, like he knows there’s something off about what he’s saying and can’t pinpoint it. Usnavi bites the inside of his lip. Sometimes listening to Ruben talk about himself is like being punched in the stomach, over and over.

Vanessa runs her hand through her hair, looking something close to frustrated. “Okay, we already know Jason is a total motherfucker but _Ruben_. What the hell were your friends like before all that shit that someone wanting to hang out with you seems like the biggest fucking favor on the planet?”

Ruben breathes out heavily but says nothing, staring into the distance. Vanessa gives Usnavi a panicked glance: _intervene, quick!_

“Ruben? You still with us?” Usnavi asks.

“Still here. Trying to think of how to answer that without this turning into yet another conversation where I sound like just the saddest little puppy left at the pet store.”

“Way too late for that, perrito,” says Vanessa, with a playful nudge. Ruben smiles reluctantly. “Might as well lean in.”

“Ugh, fine,’ he sighs, nudging her back. “I didn’t actually have any other friends.”

Usnavi mimes a gunshot wound to his chest, clutching his heart. Vanessa says “aw, can we take him home and keep him?” Ruben flips them off, one finger aimed at each of them.

It really does make Usnavi’s heart ache, though. Why wouldn’t Ruben have a million friends? Ruben is the _best_. Why has everything been so unfair for him? Something must show on his face because Ruben starts backtracking instantly.

“It wasn’t that bad. It’s not like people hated me. I got on fine with everyone at work, we just never really clicked outside that. But like, Connie was sweet. I liked Josh, too.” A frown crosses his face. “He was Jason’s assistant, I hope he’s been doing okay.  So it wasn’t so bad, I just wasn’t close to anyone apart from Jason, but I wasn’t completely alone or anything.”  
  
Usnavi thinks about only having friendship at the level of the people he sort-of knows, the people he _gets on fine_ with who come into the store every other week and smile and say hi and then disappear back into their mostly-mysterious lives, and not having Vanessa or Nina or Benny or Sonny. Nobody to celebrate his life with, nobody to hug him when he’s hurting. Imagine thinking of one of the asshole customers who yell at him when their coffee isn’t ready within seconds as his closest friend _._  Sounds a lot like being alone to Usnavi.

From the way Ruben folds his arms around himself, he doesn’t seem convinced by his own argument either. Usnavi reaches his hand out, wiggling his fingers, and Ruben hesitates then takes it with an uncertain tilt to his eyebrows. Vanessa, getting the point, slides her hand into Ruben’s other one. They hold on and crowd in close.  
  
“We do those things because we like being around you,” Vanessa explains. “That’s how friends work. You don’t owe us anything for it. It’s good for us too.”

“There doesn’t have to be a downside to this, you know that, right?” Usnavi says. He really, really wants to kiss Ruben. It’s probably not the time.

“Told you so,” says Ruben, instead of answering. “The _saddest_ puppy.”  
  
“But now you got us.” Usnavi squeezes his hand. “And I ain’t planning on going anywhere, so I guess say goodbye to the pet store ‘cause we’re keeping you. Right, Vanessa?”

“Right. Are you housebroken, Ruben?”

“Oh, fuck off, Vanessa,” Ruben says, but his voice wobbles and he holds tighter onto them. The conversation’s finished but doesn’t feel resolved. Usnavi doesn’t know if Ruben really believes them: they’ll just have to keep proving it till he does.

***

Resolved or not, Ruben goes back to glowing happily at their kisses all the same, and they start sneaking in ones not just to say hello: when they’re feeling particularly good about something, if they think he looks too sad, when they’re saying goodbye.

It takes all of Usnavi’s concentration and self-control to keep from doing it every two seconds, or to hold himself back until it’s just the three of them. Ruben’s got a real tempting face. He’s feeling proud of his level of restraint.

Except that self-control and concentration are rare commodities in Usnavi’s brain. He probably should’ve realised the supply would dry up sooner rather than later, but currently he’s going three thousand miles a minute - had to run to the bank, had to call up his utilities provider to dispute some charges which he always hates doing, and needed to do his laundry and he’s thinking about what he’s gonna do for dinner and trying to remember if he’s paid off his phone bill this month and it’s gonna be getting mad busy at the store now and he’s going to be _late_ \- so he almost runs right past Benny and Ruben talking in the street, and barely takes a breath to say hi before he gives Ruben the customary cheek-kiss and hurtles off to get back to the grind.

“About time,” Sonny yells from behind a eight-deep queue of customers. “Need me to hang about till this rabble dies down?”  
  
“¡Por favor!”

They work through the twenty minutes of overbuying overcrowding bustle till the line peters out to nothing. Usnavi has space to think for a second and what he just did outside finally registers.

“¡ _Mierda_!” he yelps, knocking a stack of paper cups over.  Sonny gives him a pitying look which is pretty bleak considering he doesn’t know the half of it. Usnavi crouches to pick up the mess.

“You’ve been acting real weird lately, Usnavi,” Sonny says, way too casual.

“No, I haven’t!” Usnavi denies. It’s not that he wants to lie to Sonny, and if ( _when_ ) this turns out to be something real they’ll have to figure out how to tell everyone eventually. As things stand now, he imagines explaining what could from some perspectives boil down to _me and Vanessa are angling for a threesome with Ruben_ to his teenage cousin and practically breaks out in hives at the thought of it.

Sonny raises his eyebrows at Usnavi, sat on the floor amongst the scattered cups.

“Shut up,” Usnavi mutters. “Don’t think I won’t fire you just because you’re my cousin.”

“Don’t think I won’t sue you for wrongful termination just ‘cause you’re mine,” Sonny replies. Usnavi throws a cup at him.

***

 **usnavi:**  
\- i fucked up i fucked up i fucked up i fucked up  
\- vanessa  
\- VANESSA  
\- help you are the only person who can save me from myself why arent you replying  
\- rip usnavi de la vega dead at 25  
\- crushed himself under 70 boxes from his own bodega in a fatal attempt to prevent himself from ever accidentally leavin the store and interacting with other humans again  
\- where was his girlfriend during all this, friends and authorities ask  
\- nobody knows  
\- the greatest Tragedy of our time  
\- so preventable  
\- ¡V A N E S S A!

 **vanessa:**  
\- d i o s  m i o calm down i was in a meeting. what the hell happened??

 **usnavi:**  
\- i kissed ruben while he was talking to benny  
\- i didnt even realise so i just ran off without even fuckin saying anything  
\- now im hiding in the back room and stress eating all my overstock

 **vanessa:  
** \- LMFAOOOO

 **usnavi:**  
\- ¿¿¿N O???

 **vanessa:**  
\- ahahahhahahahaa  
\- but srsly what the fuck were you thinking

 **usnavi:**  
\- i clearly WASNT  
\- what do i do?? do i say something to benny  
\- do i say something to ruben  
\- do i set myself on fuckin fire

 **vanessa:  
** \- ok look youre making this into more of a thing than it actually is  
\- im sure benny will be cool about it  
\- i think you should just leave it tbh. its really not that big a deal  
\- play it off like youre just super overtired or something, thats always believable with you

 **usnavi:**  
\- you reckon??

 **vanessa:**  
\- hey at least its not like anyone apart from us and ruben and benny know, right?  
\- we can probably explain to him if we really have to but like dont get ahead of yourself  
\- just be chill

 **usnavi:**  
\- i have never once in my whole entire life been chill

 **vanessa:  
** \- ill fuckin say. ive got a real busy couple days at work but if you need me to come round tonight i can make time?

 **usnavi:**  
\- no no i think you’re right  
\- ill just let things play out itll probably not even be a thing  
\- itll be fine you concentrate on making magazine magic and see you on saturday

 **vanessa:**  
\-  ok honey, if you’re sure  
\- i gotta get back to work. try not to die or cause any more scandals in the next 2 days pls  
\- love you x

 **usnavi:  
** \- te amo te amo x

***

Not that Usnavi has any idea how to be calm even when nothing at all is going wrong, but he manages his best approximation of it right through to early Friday afternoon, which is the point that Sonny comes charging into the thankfully-empty store and slams his hands onto the counter, exclaiming “you’re gay?!” at the top of his voice.

Sonny’s also pretty bad at being calm. It’s probably genetic.

“What?!” yells Usnavi, unintentionally matching him for volume. “I mean, shush. But also, _what?!_ "

“I got no problem with it if you are, obviously,” Sonny assures him. “And, I mean, I don’t even know if it’s true but if it is you could’ve _told_ me, I am your best and most awesome cousin and I want you to feel like you can _trust_ me with—”

“Hey. Slow down. What the hell are you talking about?” Usnavi interrupts, but there’s a knowing dread heavy in his stomach.

“I was talking to Pete who said he heard from José that Yolanda said Carla had told her she’d heard Benny caught you and Ruben like, _hooking up_.” Sonny gives him a sad-eyed stare that makes him look about ten years old. “But Usnavi…what about Vanessa?”

“I wasn’t hooking up with Ruben,” says Usnavi, which is not technically untrue, unless the bar for what counts as a hook-up has been significantly lowered since he was single.

Sonny looks relieved. “Oh, good. I didn’t think you’d do that to her, but that’s the word on the street.”

Usnavi can’t outright lie to him, though, and if there’s already talk… “I, uh, I am bi, though. So not quite gay. You might as well know, since apparently that’s what everyone’s saying now anyway. Guess news got out and things got mixed up somehow.”

“Oh,” says Sonny, then, “ _Oh_. Shit, man, this probably isn’t how you wanted anyone to find out, right? Are you okay? You know I know some people who you could probably talk to about this kind of thing —”  and then he goes into a spiel about support networks and LGBT-plus safe spaces and whatever that has so much helpful information it’s starting to make Usnavi dizzy.

“ _Sonny_ ,” he says, and Sonny immediately quiets down.

“Too much?” he asks.

“Kinda too much,” Usnavi confirms. “But Sonny…thanks.”

“Any time,” Sonny says, punching him amiably in the arm. “For real, I’m always here if you need me. Although since I don’t need to actually be _here-_ here I’ma leave, I spend enough of my life in this damn place as is. I’ll see you round, cuz.”

“Later,” says Usnavi, his mind reeling.

Now he knows the gossip, he can tell that people keep asking him about it. Or not exactly asking, but there’s something off about half his customers. Maybe he’s being paranoid at the giggles or the looks from certain people. He’s definitely not misreading the way they’ll bring up Ruben’s name just to see his reaction. José when he comes in to buy cigarettes does a little eyebrow raise and pointedly asks how Ruben’s doing, like José’s ever fucking spoken to Ruben in his whole life to give a damn about him.

Usnavi bites down the urge to snap _why, you wanna trade side-piece tips with him?_ and finishes serving him in near-silence. After José leaves, Usnavi takes a pack of cigarettes for himself and lights up furtively out in the back alley behind the bodega, a well-hidden bad habit from adolescence he falls back into on very rare occasions when he needs the comfort of a vice. Vanessa would disapprove. He takes a drag and lets it hang in his lungs and his throat before exhaling a slow, thin stream of smoke, thinking hard.

Being the centre of attention has never been a problem for Usnavi before, but he’s not used to it feeling like this, a spotlight so bright it burns uncomfortably. It’s not like he gives a shit if people think he’s a freak or whatever, he’s not ashamed of himself and anyone who thinks his sexuality is a problem isn’t the kinda person he wants to know anyway. Only this is supposed to be _his_ information, and it’s not even accurate. He doesn’t like how sleazy they’ve turned something sweet, and the idea of a bunch of vultures taking apart pieces of his identity and making assumptions about him without him even knowing they’re doing it makes him feel boxed in and claustrophobic. It makes his skin feel the way his lungs feel right now, itchy and prickling.

There’s only one place the rumours could’ve started, and that burns too. Benny’s supposed to have his back.

Usnavi’s planning to text him after work but he comes round at closing time of his own accord, standing with his hands shoved in his pockets as Usnavi’s pulling down the grate.

“Hey, buddy,” says Benny, with the kind of tone you use to talk to skittish animals.

“Hi,” says Usnavi, shortly. Benny bites his lip.

“I think we need to talk about some stuff,” Benny says as they walk round to the back door together. Usnavi turns to him as soon as they’re in the stairwell. He can’t wait to get all the way upstairs to his apartment so they’ll just have to do this here.

“Yeah actually, I had something I wanted to discuss with you,” says Usnavi, trying to keep his voice even and failing hard. “Why is the whole block apparently under the impression that I practically banged Ruben right in front of you? Because i’m pretty certain Ruben’s not working the gossip mill and it sure as shit ain’t me, since it’s not like I’ve _come out yet_ or anything.”

Benny looks stricken. “Oh, _shit_. I didn’t think- oh, fuck, I’m so sorry, Usnavi, that didn’t even occur to me. I was just asking Daniela —”

“You talked to Dani about it? Benny, why would you, you might as well have taken out fucking ad space! No wonder everyone knows!”

“I wasn’t thinking, and she’s good at advice! I shouldn’t have told her, I should’ve thought about it more. But dude, if you’re cheating on Vanessa —”

“What?” asks Usnavi, devastated. He knows that’s basically what everyone’s been saying, but that’s just everyone. Not _Benny_. ”So that’s what you believe, then?”

“Dani seemed to just think it was a funny misunderstanding or whatever. But you’ve had a thing for Ruben for ages, that’s obvious to anyone with eyes, and it’s obvious he likes you too. I saw your face when you kissed him. I saw his face. That wasn’t the first time it’s happened, right?”

“You really think I’d cheat on Vanessa?” Usnavi says, avoiding the question.

“I don’t know, Usnavi,” says Benny, and Usnavi flinches, hurt. “If you’d asked me six months ago I’d have said no way. But I don’t think I know you like I used to, man. I mean, I also would’ve said no way about you being into guys at all.”

“It’s not like I was keeping it from you on purpose, even I didn’t know that until a couple weeks before I told you, which by the way is looking like a serious mistake right now,” says Usnavi testily. “And are you saying that me being bi is on level with betraying my girlfriend, because —”

“No! Shit, no, that came out wrong. All I’m saying is it seems like there’s a lot you don’t tell me any more. I just wanna know whats going on with you, man.”

Usnavi doesn’t know how to answer that at all. He hates this. It’s partly why he’s been pulling away from people a bit recently. He should’ve known Benny would pick up on it and think something’s going on. And he’s not hugely comfortable with it either but it’s just so much easier to be around Vanessa and Ruben where things have settled into a routine of hugs and kisses and unspoken affections, seeing the two of them happy together and happy with him. He doesn’t like reality creeping into it, reminding him of all the secrets and the bad shit he doesn’t want to think about and the fact that they don’t just exist in an impenetrable bubble of cute moments. It makes things so complicated.

“I can’t say. That’s not just me being obtuse or whatever, I really can’t. Can you just trust me that I got my reasons, and I’m not keeping anything from Vanessa, and I definitely ain’t cheating on her?”

Benny scrutinises him then sighs. “Of course I trust you. And after this I wouldn’t blame you for not trusting _me_. I’m sorry for outing you, I really am, I don’t know how i can make it up to you for that. I really fucked up.”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” says Usnavi. Something occurs to him, all of a sudden. “Hey. I’m not replacing _you_ with Ruben either, you know?”

“Didn’t think you were,” says Benny, but he looks away guiltily. “It’s…you’re busy with Vanessa and the store, so we don’t chill as much as we used to. Now you’re always talking about Ruben too, and keeping all your secrets with him. And since me and Nina broke up —” he breaks off with a shrug.

“I know, dude. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant. I do tell you what I can.”

“I’m not jealous,” Benny clarifies. “I just don’t want you to drift too. You’re my little brother, and I’m used you always coming to me to talk shit over. But I shouldn’t have been a dick about it, I know you can’t exactly share about whatever happened to Ruben and I don’t begrudge him your friendship or anything.” He rolls his eyes off Usnavi’s surprised look. “You’ve not got the monopoly on observation skills, Usnavi, and it don’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that the guy’s got mad demons, or that you two are real close. I just wanna be sure you know what you’re getting into with him, friend or otherwise.”

“Sometimes I wish I knew a little _less_ ,” says Usnavi morosely.

“That bad?”

“Worse. It’s not his fault.”

Benny nods, back to that easy acceptance Usnavi’s used to from him. “So I don’t need to give him the _if you hurt Usnavi I’ll kill you_ speech, then?”

“Please don’t,” says Usnavi fervently. “Please do not do that thing.”

“I’m kidding,” says Benny, and then he looks a little sad. “I think he’s kinda scared of me already.”

Usnavi’s instinct is to deny it, because it’s Benny, who apart from being stupidly tall is the opposite of scary in every possible way. Ruben hangs out with both of them, he chats with Benny when he bumps into him in the street. That doesn’t necessarily mean Benny is wrong, though. “If he is it’s not personal. I can’t say much, but believe me, just because he’s scared doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. Don’t hold it against him.”

“I don’t,” says Benny. “He’s good people, I can tell that much.”

“The kind of good people you go round accusing of being a homewrecker, you mean?” says Usnavi dryly.

Benny winces. “Fair point. But I do like him, even if he’s a bit of a mystery. Besides, you said Vanessa knows the score, and since she’d skip right to the _I’ll kill you_ part without the speech if the guy so much as looked at you wrong, I’m gonna assume he’s got her seal of approval, so.”

“Very much so.” Both of them know that’s not something Vanessa gives out lightly, especially not where Usnavi’s happiness might be on the line.

Usnavi fidgets with his hat, thoughtful. He’s still stung by the whole thing but if the options are to keep dragging the argument out till he feels less hurt or just start trying to move past it straight away he’ll always pick the latter. What’s the point in holding onto it? Benny’s still his best friend, one fuck-up doesn’t change that. And he _did_ apologise.

But maybe he still deserves to sweat for a while. “Man, wait till I tell her about all this. Wonder if she’ll take it as well as I did?”

“Oh, god, you can’t, says Benny, sounding legitimately terrified. “I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, dude. Think of my unborn children.”

Usnavi gives him a wicked grin, flinging an arm round his shoulders. “I’ll put in a good word for you. Maybe she’ll make it quick.”

  
***

 **vanessa** :  
\- usnavi de la vega why the hell am i getting messages from NINA who is in CALIFORNIA asking me if im coping okay with the news of your not so secret fuckfest with ruben

 **usnavi:**  
\- OH WHAT THE FUCK

 **vanessa:**  
\- i told her it was a misunderstanding and that everythings fine but what did you DO  
\- i said no scandals!  
\- also no fuckfests if im not invited come on man

 **usnavi:**  
- hey this ones on benny! he talked to dani  
\- it must have got exaggerated somewhere down the line

 **vanessa:**  
\- jesus might as well just put up posters on the fucking subway  
\- do you need me to murder him

 **usnavi:**  
\- dont murder him. im still pissed at him but we’ll work it out  
\- but yeah pretty much the whole barrio knows  
\- im not happy about it but nothin to be done now

 **vanessa:**  
\- damn  
\- i think its probably time we talk to ruben, dont you

 **usnavi:**  
\- youre probs right  
\- today??

 **vanessa:**  
\- ive got a deadline today babe by the time i could get over itll be really late  
\- it might be better if we just deal with it tomorrow once we’ve got time to sit down and talk it out proper  
\- will you be okay on your own??

 **usnavi:**  
\- yeah no te preocupes ill be fine  
\- its just really not how i wouldve come out if id had a choice

 **vanessa:**  
\- if anyone gives you shit about it write down their names so i can ruin their lives later

 **usnavi:**  
\- you’re the greatest

 **vanessa:**  
\- i know  
\- itll all be ok. we can handle this

 **usnavi:**  
\- you promise?

 **vanessa:**  
\- prometo  <3 xxx

***  
  
“Sometimes I feel like you don’t take me seriously at all.”  
  
It felt like forever waiting for Vanessa to come over - only made worse by the fact he hasn’t seen Ruben at all since the thing with Benny, and he hopes it’s just that he’s avoiding the worst of the gossip and not that he’s avoiding Usnavi - and now she’s here she is, once again, laughing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she says, trying to school her voice normal and then breaking into giggles again. “I’m not laughing at you this time, I swear, it really does suck so hard that you have to deal with this. It’s just I keep imagining their _faces_ after you drop that bomb and run off.”

“This is a very serious matter,” says Usnavi, picturing Ruben and Benny stood blinking at each other for way too long in frozen dumbstruck silence. He pulls a corner of his shirt over his mouth so Vanessa doesn’t see him smiling. “What do we do?”  
  
“Honestly? I think it’s maybe time we just tell him everything. No pressure on him, let him know that if he doesn’t want what we’re laying down then it’s okay and that being friends with him is just as great, but that if he wants to get involved, we want him here.”  
  
“I thought we were gonna take it slow.”

“We have been taking it slow,” she says. “But we gotta talk about it some time. And if I know Ruben at all, he’s probably been overthinking this since it happened. We should at least make sure he’s overthinking in the right direction.”

“Okay,” says Usnavi, and stands up to walk around. He can’t sit still right now. Oh, dios mio, this is a lot. “Wow. Okay. We’re gonna do this then? Last chance to back out.”  
  
“I’m all in,” Vanessa says, holding her hand out. “Are you?”

“A hundred percent.” Usnavi tugs Vanessa to her feet, then keeps hold of her hand so he can shake it to seal the deal before hugging her. “So…now what? Do we invite him over? Today? I really don’t wanna do this just next time we see him at the store.”

The buzzer goes. They step apart from each other and exchange glances.

“Looks like we might not have to.”  
  
“Might not be him. He doesn’t usually drop by unexpectedly,” says Usnavi, but who else would it be? Most people who know him well enough to come by without messaging first have keys and just let themselves in. He should get Ruben a key. Or would there be too many commitment implications now? Maybe he should’ve done it weeks ago, though probably Ruben wouldn’t even use it, but it’s more about the gesture, isn’t it?

Usnavi might be kind of nervous. He tries to quiet his thoughts while he answers the intercom.

“Yo.”

“It’s Ruben. We really need to talk.”  
  
He sounds like total shit, his voice all subdued and hoarse like something bad is about to happen. It makes Usnavi’s stomach burn, but he’s still pretty sure this is gonna work out, because they all like each other so much and so things just _have_ to work out. Any other endings aren’t allowed.

“Well, that sounds ominous. Buzzin’ you up now.” He disconnects and presses the button for the downstairs door, taking a deep meditative breath while he does so.

“You ready?” Vanessa asks him softly from the doorway to the front room.

“Nope,” says Usnavi, and he knows his grin is blinding. “Let’s do this.”

***

It’s not going the way Usnavi had pictured it. Part of him had imagined a big, beautiful romantic scene, possibly with him dipping Ruben like they’re dancing and kissing him dramatically in the rain and both of them are in suits for some reason. Which would’ve been a feat considering they’re indoors and it’s a clear evening but hey, Usnavi’s a sucker for the classics. A more sensible part of him had assumed they’d all sit together to negotiate how far and how fast they were gonna do this and _maybe_ at the end they’d kiss for real but it’s okay if Ruben wants to wait.

But no, here’s Ruben all sad and slouched, telling them they have to stop touching him because he _likes_ it and god forbid he let himself have a good thing when it’s offered to him freely. There’s a sensation like a spreading fire that tells Usnavi he’s about to do something impulsive.

Yeah, Usnavi nearly didn’t chase this, Vanessa nearly didn’t follow him deep into infatuation. But they would’ve had each other. Ruben’s so prepared to talk himself back into being alone, to leave himself with nobody at all like it’s what he expected all along.

Fuck that. Usnavi’s not gonna let him.

“You’re allowed to like things, Ruben. You’re allowed to want things.”

“Not this, though,” says Ruben, dejected.

 _Yes, this, you’re allowed to_ ** _be_** _wanted_ , Usnavi doesn’t say, though it’s what he’s thinking. He doesn’t say, _you_ ** _are_** _wanted._

What he says is, “Ruben, I’m gonna kiss you now. Is that okay?”

Ruben dances round it with a non-answer so Usnavi asks the question again, and as soon as he hears _yes—_ he’s moving forward. The sound of Ruben’s gasp vibrates against his lips and then Ruben kisses him back immediately, like he’s been waiting for it. It’s perfect.

Well, actually, it’s kinda messy, both of them eager and nervously hesitant at the same time which makes for a confusing sort of experience, but it’s perfect anyway. Ruben’s hand is on his face, Usnavi’s holding him round the waist, their mouths are _actually_ on each others mouths, this is _awesome._ There’s a delicate touch of Ruben’s tongue against his bottom lip for a nanosecond and Usnavi might be the happiest person ever right now.

it doesn’t last nearly long enough. Vanessa is applauding from across the room as they pull apart, Ruben looking like he’s just been hit by a bus. There’s a conversation going on that Usnavi’s not listening to: he’s watching Vanessa come over and tilt Ruben’s head towards her, noticing how she goes slow enough to give him time to back away if he wants to, how his eyes take a path from staring at Usnavi’s mouth to Vanessa’s eyes to her lips.

“What do you want to happen?” Vanessa asks.

Come on, come _on_.

Ruben has some kind of brief internal debate that twitches across his face for the shortest time before surging forwards and kissing her hard, his hand coming up to knock Usnavi’s hat off and lightly push the back of his head, bringing him back in closer too. Usnavi presses victorious kisses to Ruben’s neck to feel just to feel him brightly alive against him, the pulse racing under his skin. Usnavi’s never been patient and now he doesn’t have to wait any more, Usnavi’s bad at keeping secrets and now that Ruben’s given permission Usnavi’s every movement can finally be a happy shout: _do see how much we like you? Do you see how much we want you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [END]
> 
> [a/n: IT IS COMPLETE! the rest of this particular evening you can of course read in _your body is a triangle_ but do not fear, it is not the end of this verse, of course it isn't, i still have at least sixty billion things to write.
> 
> come hang on [tumblr](https://thisstableground.tumblr.com/) i talk a bunch of shit and take art/fic prompts]

**Author's Note:**

> [a/n: i do the [tumblr thing](https://thisstableground.tumblr.com/)]


End file.
